Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever said "If you love something, let it go" should have clarified that statement with "but not if it's a baby!"

   When covertly referencing your bathroom necessities, instead of using 'number 1 or number 2', we should say "I have to R2D2 or C3peeO"

   "Hey girls, stop doing that thing with your lips when you take pictures. You're making us look stupid." - ducks

   Just seen two hobos hitting each other with cardboard, pillow fight!

   ..R.I.P - Adam Yauch, Co- Founder of the Beastie Boys

   So my son keeps getting in trouble at school so I go to meet his teacher and she is Hot.. So after I left the teacher my son says " so now can you see why I love getting asked to stay after class". What can you say to that!!!..jamie wallis

   Dear sweatpants and hoodies: thanks for being there for me. Sincerely, sexy and I know it, but too lazy to show it!!

   creeping your photos and I might add I'M IMPRESSED!!!

   Click your heels together three times and go fack yourself

   [This Status Update Deleted By Facebook Staff For Inappropriate Content]

   The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."

   Just seen a preview of the 'Chernobyl Diaries' & to me, if your taking your family vacation to Chernobyl, Russia.....then you deserve to be eatin by radioactive zombies!!!!

   going to start a reality show and only play music videos....

   Just popped a button on my shorts and now it looks like a just-opened cannister of Pillsbury crescent rolls.

   Salt-n-Pepa probably have salt-n-pepa pubes by now.

   If someone doesn't appreciate your presence, make them appreciate your absence.

   In need of someone to go down and perform routine maintenance. Apply within.

   I don't know if my stomach is growling cuz I'm hungry or if that's my liver crying cuz it's the weekend.

   Hey Friday! How ya been buddy?

   Women are designed for two things: making babies and making sandwiches, and they need help with the first one.