Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I got the bird flu from that grey goose last night

   Yard sales: When you want people to pay for your garbage!

   The only reason I can unfasten a bra with two fingers is because my mom let me practice on her until I was twenty three.

   I saw a sign that said 'NO PARKING' so I took out a sharpie & now it says 'NO PARKING UNLESS YOU ARE AWESOME' & now I found a parking spot.

   When a woman gets the security guard and points at you; that means she's interested right?

   Women are like fine wines; you can try to sell them at auctions, but Liam Neeson will find you, and he will kill you.

   My wife always gets the last word in on any argument...anything I say afterwards is the beginning of a new one

   NOTICE: "Flirt Detection" FB Timeline Monitor has detected your significant other commenting a restricted user's picture. Do you wish to end the relationship? [Yes/No]. [Yes] Relationship ended. User has been submitted to FB Cheaters archives.

   Stevie Wonder's nephew was charged with trying to extort his famous uncle....I guess Stevie never saw that coming!

   A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.

   Your Body is a Temple, let the Spirits in....preferably in shot form.

   Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing solely on one of them.

   Rats are under rated. Just check your dictionary.

   Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water... I'm pretty sure that I won't need a watch.

   I always keep a bottle of champagne and a large cigar under my side of the bed............. Just in case the wife stops breathing.

   You don't need a parachute to skydive......unless you want to do it again.

   I'm thinking of dropping the whole "I'm from the street/thug life" persona.

   Today's a great day to stalk someone you haven't seen since high school and say, "You wrote 'keep in touch' in my yearbook, well here I am!"

   When the artist dies, this roll of flower print Bounty is going to be worth a fortune.

   While I'm flattered Smoky thinks otherwise, I'm not the only one who can prevent forest fires.