Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can we start counting magazines as books. I'll sound so much smarter.

   I really wanna say "let's set up a perimeter," but I really don't want to be in a situation where I'd have to.

   No more information! We have too much of that stuff.

   There should be a children's song "If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your Dad sleep."

   "Your Honor, Mr Travolta attempted to go up my client's nose with a rubber hose"

   If you can't spell " Attorney ", your parents should call your school and demand a refund .

   Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder...

   What's the minimum age a person has to be in order to get arrested for vandalism?............... Please tell me the answer is two,,,,,

   When you turn on a light and the bulb burns out it's because you suck and that bulb would rather kill itself than hang out with you.

   Sign of the times! Honey come quick, my kids and your kids are beating up our kids.

   I keep my friends close and my enemies on a tight leash.

   Anyone wonder why Internet explorer 9 has commercials? When it comes with every computer anyway, and its free to download?

   *Year 2050* Son: “Dad how did you meet mom?” Dad: “Aaah my son… It all started with a Poke on Facebook”.

   Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

   wow, just heard on the news that all gulliable people that use facebook are going to be charged $17.95 a month to have their photos on facebook!!

   I'm trying to explain to this cop that I was tweeting while driving, not texting. He still wants to know why I'm driving naked.

   What to confuse Hellen Keller ? give her a basketball and tell her to read it

   I fell down the stairs today, and may never walk again. I wasn't injured, I'm just really lazy.

   Starbucks really isn't that expensive when you consider what Victoria's Secret charges per cup.

   Queen Latifah says she's a lesbian? I was as surprised as every one else that she was a chick.