Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do you have to go so slowly over a "speed" bump?

   It takes two people to fall in love + one to wreck it.

   Hardest thing ever? Controlling your laughter at serious times

   When I die, I'm going to have the Tetris theme played at my funeral... just as my coffin is being lowered into the ground.

   ah, Friday! My second favorite "F" word!

   If you're on someone else's Facebook, the cruelest thing to do is probably to actually add the "people you may know."

   Straight marriage, gay marriage, whatever. Just stop showing me pictures of your kids and we're cool.

   If you can read but still watch The Jersey Shore, please donate your unused literacy to someone who might use it.

   Some girls are like a blunt... Hit it a couple times, then pass it to your buddy.

   Most alcoholic beverages contain all 13 minerals necessary to sustain human life. Drink to your health!

   I ain't doing s$it today. ☑ Mission accomplished.

   Relationships are like garage sales: At a distance it looks like it could be interesting...up close it's just a ton s$it you don't need!

   If you Spend more time with your boys than you do with your girlfriend.YOU GAY!

   My turtle ran away last month.... I'm heartbroken... I tried talking him out of it the entire 2 weeks it took him to reach the sidewalk.

   I was told to seek help today,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Fair enough,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, help

   My Mom is made entirely of flaws,, Stitched together with good intentions and a pantload of love....Love you Ma.

   My ex assured me that size never matter, but all of her dild@s look like they needed a lamp shade on top.

   Girl in nothing but a t shirt-hot! Dude in nothing but a t shirt-perv...

   it is cool that the new deaf guy at our office reads lips, but I wish he would stop using a yellow highlighter every time I say something important.

   My generations attachment parenting was when my mom hit me on the head with the 18 inch long metal serving spoon attached to her hand.