Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its so cold outside this black lady told me "you gonna freeze to deaf". Now I know why they wear toboggans all the time.

   The fact that the voice in my head yells whenever I read something thats in all capital letter kinda DISTURBS ME.

   The Nutley Mom from NJ turned 50 shades of tan !!!!!!!!

   We live in a world that says The "Walk of Shame" is after having sex, but walking out of a bathroom after dropping the ultimate stink bomb is a prestigious accomplishment.

   Well it's here again..Belly Button week on FB, post a pic of your belly button as your profile...remember, no matter if it's an "inny" or an "outie", lint is welcomed!!

   Can't wait till I'm old and I can play the 'fall asleep' card in awkward situations

   If I ever go missing, put my picture on a bourbon bottle; no one I know drinks milk.

   Money means nothing to me. If you don't believe me, just ask me for money. You'll get nothing.

   who cares if someone is bi, straight or gay- does it affect your life at all? Mind your own biz and live your life, not someone elses

   believes every road in the world is under construction right now!

   Just saw a t-shirt that said "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" which translated to "Hey, I've got a small pen!s and a stupid shirt."

   Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.

   Its funny how some people can talk crap behind your back and then act like they got your back when they see you.

   I took my dog over the park and played frisbee with him. He was useless, must get a flatter dog.

   can never tell gay and straight people apart. They all look the same to me.

   If she falls asleep when you're in the mood for sex, consider it snoreplay.

   If I could turn back time, I'd find a way to undo Cher.

   My psychic told me I will soon be ripped off by someone I trust. Knowing that was well worth the $500 she charges me.

   I have never bothered to check if Google actually has results on the second page.

   What a beautiful day outside!!! (According to TV.)