Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spoiler alert. It's sour cream

   .. To make sure they will arrive on time, I'm mailing my Christmas cards now.

   If men are stronger than women, why do men in Video Games need full plate armor and a woman only needs a chainmail bikini?

   I want to find a woman that speaks in Cliff Notes.

   If you ever see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me...

   Clear something up for us, Cardi B. Is it your @ss or your pu$$y that's wet?

   USPS: Never mail cash or valuables. Dems: The USPS is safe and secure.

   Why does sour cream have an expiry date?

   I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see the trailer. Not gonna get me again

   Betcha Slick Willie Brown has Kamala nude pics on cell phone

   I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.

   I didn't hit you... I high fived your face

   If Kamala is such a ho, why can't I find any nude pics of her on the internet, unlike a certain someone I know?

   "How about a scarf?" - Johnny Depp's stylist every day!

   Based on the amount of laundry I do, I'm pretty sure there are people living here that I haven't met yet...

   Bought some prescribe pills to improve my memory. But I keep forgetting to take them.

   They should change the name of Facebook to “whineonline”

   If we don't stop socializing to slow the Coronavirus we need to start thinking about what kind of world will leave behind for Keith Richards.

   The further a society drifts from the truth, The more it will hate those who speak it...

   I bought a Swanson's Hungry Man TV dinner. I guess that would be enough if the Hungry man was a starving Ethiopian.