Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Women, We're not lying, we're trying to prevent you from killing us. Love, Men

   Vegetarians, your boyfriends want to break up with you.

   That thing where hypnotists snap their fingers and people fall asleep? Do they make that for kids?

   People who bring a bottle of wine to your house really want you to see that they are people who brought a bottle of wine to your house.

   Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

   I'm sure I have annoying habits as well but lately my wife is doing this thing where she ages.

   I am just a boy standing in front of the internet, asking it to love him.

   To be fair, most marriages are pretty gay.

   Steven Tyler looks like a zombie crawling out of a drag queen's hamper.

   King Kong has everything on me!

   The loser contestants who come back to sing on finale shows suddenly look like escaped mental patients.

   Time magazine's breastfeeding cover is pretty good, but I wish they'd used a hotter three-year-old.

   You'd think with all that money Rihanna is making she'd be able to afford clothes.

   "You're looking festive today" is not a compliment.

   That woman's husband on the cover of TIME looks awfully young.

   Nothing lowers the property value on a woman like a thigh bruise.

   My mother taught me RELIGION. “You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

   If you had 4 kids and your wife was pregnant with your 5th, how would you announce it on the Internet? I am asking for a friend.

   Boy, pregnant women don't like to be called "b!tches" at ALL!

   Shout out to all mothers. The fathers know what they did.