Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who over exaggerate literally make me want to shoot myself in the face 287 billion times.

   Some days I think I should start seriously dating again.. But the last time I got dumped by a girlfriend, I hijacked a taco truck & lived in a forest preserve for 3 months. Soo What I'm trying to say is I'm a survivor dammit!!

   If I Can See It, Smell It, Or Pee On It, It Belongs To Me!! ~ I Got The Big Dog Attitude Today!.. Or It Can Also Be Called I Just Had 2 Beers Attitude!

   You should Go Ahead and live life with regrets because the more bad decisions you make tonight the better your Facebook Posts will be tomorrow!

   I got a bit drunk last night and now I just got woke up by a lawnmower!!! I don't know who the hell it is but they have to mow around me I an NOT moving!

   Today My doctor was checking my Balls for lumps but the Doctor said I crossed the line and it was very awkward when I ran my fingers through her hair... Again how is it that I crossed the line and she didnt???

   Can't believe Toys R Us closed down in the city. Now where am I to get my Nerf bullet refills? I have an inflatable family to protect dammit !!

   one mans trash is another mans girlfriend

   Someone just used my dead end street to turn around and now I'm standing outside with two open beers and a lonely face :(

   I just saw a woman lick her Cell Phone screen. I'm assuming to clean it since I don't know where she would've gotten any pics of me!

   Local News: Woman finds cocaine stuffed inside tampons she bought in a Utah closeout store. That's just crazy, period!

   Eating Healthy is a pain in the ass, all this cutting and chopping and cooking and Milking and pasteurizing. next time I want fresh steaks and milk I'm going to the dam store to get it !!

   Paddle Faster I think I Hear Banjos !

   facebook is for fun and entertainment and I Don't ever want any of you to take offense at me asking you to kiss my butt, It's all tongue in cheek fun :)~

   Thinking back on my life I've ridden a donkey down the grand canyon, not a big deal. The fact I sustained an erection the whole time humming the Bonanza theme probably IS!

   According to a study on How to Avoid Being Defriended on Facebook: Science Unlocks the Secret..... Dont Be An A**, Yes its as simple as that !

   The First rule of Premature Ejaculator's Club is don't talk about..Ooooooh God! Unnnggh! Uh ooooohhhh ...anyone have a cigarette I can have?

   "We would have broke-up alot sooner, but we have 46 mutual Facebook friends and a bunch of new restaurants were opening up..."

   White Parent: *Knock Knock* May I Come In? Blck Parent: *BOOM BOOM* OPEN UP DIS GOT DAMN DOOR, you DONT PAY NO BILLS TO BE LOCKIN DOORS

   Signing off, my Wife says I need to finish my bath. Peace out Peeps