Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

   I wish that Hallmark would make a card that says, “Sorry, what was your name again?”

   Dinner guests coming over later and I forgot to take something out. Does anyone know how to turn beef jerky back into steaks?

   If I ever get Bieber fever, just let the fever kill me.

   There's a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that.” ツ

   *wake up from a horrible dream* (⊙﹏⊙)… *realize it was only a dream* (~￣▽￣)~

   Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down… You have my word

   Let's all take a moment and be thankful spiders can't fly

   The reasons the jokes here are getting lame is because everyone of the good ones is stolen from Twitter and everyone is starting to get sick of it!

   Dear Women of Online Dating Sites: You're unique and down to Earth.....just like everybody else.

   "I am the greatest. Not only do I knock em out, I pick the round!"

   I think I'm approaching my "best if used by" date.

   Do people believe in birth control these days?

   I give Mark Zuckerberg new wife 3 years ..before she files ..and walks off with $1billion..not bad if you can get it.

   Fun Fact: the seven letters of "rainbow" stand for the different colors! Red, arange, iellow, neen, blue, ondigo, and wiolet. I'm drunk.

   What hip hop music needs is more songs set in nightclubs. About nightclubs. Encouraging people to go to nightclubs.

   I went to a Narcissists Anonymous meeting but it was just this pathetic bunch of nobodies

   I work hard, because millions on welfare are depending on me.

   Thinks there are better things in life than alcohol. but alcohol makes up for not having them

   Do I really need a 3ft receipt for buying a coke and a pack of gum?