Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.

   Know your limitations, people. Sometimes certain body cavities just won't stretch that far.

   If it's a lady, I like to speak quickly in the drive-thru at Burger King by saying: "I have a Whopper!" When they ask: "what would you like on it?" YOU!

   I don't understand why you're mad. I used YOUR name as my password, honey! :) Who cares if the "hint" to retrieve it is ....BlTCH?

   WTF is with the "poke" suggestions on Facebook? I just poked TWO guys, thinking that THEY poked ME first?

   Friends are like condoms. They are always there to protect you when things get hard.

   With all the talent in America it looks like they could have found someone with it to host and judge the show...

   People come in many colors. Orange should not be one of them.

   Dear phone. If you wouldn't remind me every ten seconds that my battery was low, I'd be able to finish my status upda

   He's got moves like Jagger.... Sorry.. Palsy.... He's got palsy

   I bet Australian storm chasers are bummed out when they realize it's just another Tasmanian devil.

   Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I'm not reading it.

   I'm thinking about opening an online Facebook rehab clinic.

   on a scale of Rihanna to Christina Ricci: How big is your forehead?

   A friend said lunch tomorrow and lets go "DUTCH" So I showed up with my DUTCH oven ready to go..

   :My girlfriend and I both think she's put on some weight. The difference? She's the only one who says it out loud. Yes, I'm smart

   My ex broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with footbal. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 5 1/2 seasons.

   I think it's safe to assume that Nick Stahl is dead from an overdose and his body is probably out in the Nevada desert laying against a Joshua tree by now....I mean his character from Terminator wasn't too put together either.

   You people really do need a sense of humor... many of your votes are wrong!!!

   Desperate for sex I headed to the local club and immediately started chatting to the 1st girl I saw and got right to the point. "Hey beautiful, how do you like your eggs in the morning?" "Unfertilized." she replied.