Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   :The guy behind me has a theory that driving his car up my azz will make the 20 cars in front of me speed up.. Hmmm,, It's just crazy enough to work...

   :Apparently all the women that can deep throat are sitting in their rooms sexting all day.

   :You know that saying "Once you go black, you never go back"? Well I tell you, it sure does not apply to licorice.

   I just learned today that bacteria is not the back door of a cafeteria.

   The woman on Time Magazine's cover with her three year old, is there an App for that?

   NASCAR....Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks

   When giving a tour of my apartment, I just point at things and say, "I got my head stuck in that."

   When they say, "Hello, sir. Can you sign this petition to end guilt-tripping outside of supermarkets?" Then I'll sign.

   My will stipulates that I'm to be buried with an air pump so that I can inflate my underground enemies during any wild games of Dig Dug.

   People who say, "In my humble opinion" are almost never humble.

   Can't wait until nothing happens on 12/21/2012.

   WARNING: Reflections in this mirror may be distorted by socially constructed ideas of 'beauty'

   ...just here baking in my own dutch oven... curse you taco bell!

   I would have gone to Clooney's fundraiser for Obama, but I spent my last $40,000 on gas.......

   You know that line that you aren't supposed to cross? I think I just snorted it.

   Everything happens for a reason. Getting stupid and making poor decisions are the most common reasons.

   I may be rude crude and socially unnacceptable but I'm cute dammit!

   Pro Tip: Men Here's my advice on women: Don't give them nicknames like jumbo or boxcar & always get receipts for stuff you bought. It makes you look like a smart business guy!

   Considering I'm still sitting here in my underwear eating beef jerky and Reese's peanut butter cups, you all may want to chose someone else to take advice from today!

   Am I supposed to be more mature now that I'm older? Because "ILuvBigBoobs" is still pretty much my password for everything I have!