Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever a man wants to prove to me that he's tough, I make him fry bacon without a shirt on.

   If part of being your man is having to ever hear you perform your songs then, no, Sheryl Crow, I am not strong enough.

   Whenever I screw up at work I'm so glad I'm not a doctor.

   "Be honest with me" means "lie convincingly".

   Listen. You can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that's what your face looks like.

   Kim Kardashian just tweeted that she is cleaning up her closing and will be selling her stuff on eBay auctions. Get ready to catch crabs people.

   Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls just make you FEEL like you're in Heaven!

   Social networking is like a club. Twitter is the dance floor, tumblr is the bar and facebook is the people crying in the toilets.

   Getting tired of people who haven't had a drop in 10 years calling themselves alcoholics. If you're living in Iowa, you ain't a sea captain.

   Facebook friends: People I know - 75% People I talk to - 20% Real friends - 5%

   Look to the left, now look to the right..... I just virtually slapped you.

   The United States...311,591,917 people trying to keep it real, and 7,000 plastic surgeons trying to convince them otherwise.

   Damn, it's muggy out there.....I'm sweatin' worse than John Travolta's massage therapist! ツ

   Teach me to fish...With the price of fishing licences, it would be cheaper to just buy the little b@stards!

   Time to buy groceries. More food in a crack house than around here!

   Once you go Black, you're a single Mom!!!

   Did you hear Buckwheat from "the little rascals" became a Muslim? His new name is Kareem of Wheat

   It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever

   With how slutty this generation of girls are, if your 16 and your hymen is still intact give yourself a round of applause.

   They should show the premiere of "Battleship" on Rihanna's forehead.