Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So my neighbor comes over last night and has the nerve to tell me to turn my music down.......So I says "What the heck are you even doing up at 2:00 am in the first place?!"

   Facebook has made me a better writer. My work emails are succinct, well-worded, and they make at least one reference to balls, farts, or sex.

   Wise man:"Some girls beg, some girls borrow. Some girls lead & some girls follow. Some bring joy & some bring sorrow, but the best girls just suck & swallow!"

   I have heard of women that aren't crazy, but I've also heard of Unicorns.

   The cop thought I was texting and driving so I pulled down my pants and showed him why I was smiling at my crotch.

   Keep it up and you will die pretty early in the book I'm writing.

   If you drink enough, your brain starts photoshopping people.

   Friendly Advice: If you run out of Chapstick, just use chicken sh!t. It doesn't help your chapped lips, but it keeps you from licking them.

   It turns out Donna Summers lied, She Wont Survive....

   This table is a bit wobbly, one of the legs appears to be shorter, Luckily I have just been given a copy of the new album by Nickleback

   I think I should tell you what people are saying behind your back.……. Nice Ass!!

   Mobile sex: push 1 for oral, 2 for anal, 3 for normal, 4 for a trio, 5 for SM and for everything ... dial my number!

   I hate people who use mad gay phrases that rhyme, like "What's shaking bacon?" it makes me go insane in the membrane. 

   Scientists have now confirmed that aliens do exist and in fact could be living next door to you as humans. So I shot the hot woman who just moved in next door 'cause her ass was definitely outta this world.

   When someone gives you their futon, they are basically saying "you should sleep where my girlfriend got pregnant by some other dude".

   :I'm so white I get uncomfortable saying knickers with a hard 'r'.

   Men may have created fire but women have discovered the art of playing with it.

   Must be a 3 year old on the loose in these here parts.

   :If I had a penny for every time someone called me a retard... Well... My sh!t would probably be full of half digested pennies.    

   n't it ironic that I hate math, but I love counting money.