Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wow, there you are all hot and everything; then you post a pic of you with your kids...1 and 3 years old. Negate!

   It's tough to control a fear of abandonment issue when your therapist doesn't show up for your appointment.

   If I had a time machine I'd stop OJ from killing those ppl & then nobody would ever know what a Kardashian is.

   If these walls could talk, I'd probably stop hanging things with nails.

   just had an AMAZING salad at McDonalds. The toppings I chose were 4 big macs & 10 chicken mcnuggets with 9 sweet & sour packs as dressing.

   The Men's Warehouse guy is going to die of lung cancer. I guarantee it.

   I'm already sick of writing this book I'm thinking of writing.

   When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

   Word of the day: Exhaustipated. Just too tired to give a sh!!t.

   The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more.

   Powered off the smart phone felt like I was having a heart attack...

   Like if you ever had High School friends hook you up that worked at fast food places.

   My grandma fell on the floor, And it ended up being longer than 5 seconds,,, so we're gonna have to let her go.

   :Men, we all know the real reason there's always one missing sock. Shame. That's why.

   The number one rule in life "stay in your own lane "and there won't be any accidents.

   Nothing makes you look younger than an old photo.

   Penguins mate once and stay together for life. All those failed relationships you had? Penguins are kicking your ass.

   Kanye West should open a breakfast restaurant called "Omelette You Finish"

   Absence makes the heart grow fonder...but Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger.

   I think cops should yell "PICKACHUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" before they taze someone