Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say every birth is a miracle of God but after watching these people at Walmart they would probably become atheist.

   What if I am sexy and I don't know it?

   If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.

   People who are offended by offensive things offend me.

   "Latin , Latin smooth as satin que hora es it's Latin time!!"

   roses are red, violets are blue, as a matter of fact the best films are too!

   My wife said she would jump in front of a bullet for me. I got my gun out. She is such a liar.

   Go down a waterslide when it isn't wet and then you'll understand the importance of foreplay.

   she offered her honor. he honored her offer. and all through the night, it was on honor and offer.

   Glad the Facebook IPO finally gave Zuckerburg enough money to buy...sorry! I meant find, the mail order bride he always wanted.

   Bernice from south beach tow vs Bobby from lizard lick....the ultimate fights

   To poke or not to poke. That is the question.

   A man who has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings

   maybe Jimmie Johnson is a better driver than I thought.... he managed to give Rick Hendrick a blow job and drive a victory lap at the same time...

   relieved that the bottle of "Glass & Steel Cleaner" was "Not tested on animals".....

   I'm always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he'll spare my life when he finally snaps.

   I wish Facebook would make the text bigger on its mobile app so I can read it easier when I am driving

   Vibrator factory workers probably check their phones every ten seconds.

   Apparently my microwave has two settings....Cold in the center and Surface of the sun...

   Never judge a girls body from a picture of her face.