Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My phone just autocorrected Volvo to Vulva without me noticing it and now my boss thinks my Vulva is having the dents banged out of it by 3 guys at the body shop! Thank you auto-correct! This day's going to rock!

   I got some new deodorant, instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom." Now I can barely walk, but when I fart, it smells amazing!

   I'll be another year older soon and I've always been told that you're only as old as you feel. Would you like to feel me and tell me how old I am?

   I really enjoy running geese over in my car. It gives me goose bumps!

   words of wisdom: a woman will ALWAYS have the last words in any/all argument(s) ... anything said after that, is the beginning of a new argument...

   :To all the fat chicks that only take pics from the neck up .... good try ... Very good try.

   :Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well!

   :I've seen fashion girls do things for cocaine that even a dog wouldn't do for some peanut butter.

   :I think I'm going to start calling other white guys "my Cracker" And get angry when black guys say it... No?

   it's funny how gas can drop $10.00 a barrel and the price at the pump stays the same for a week or so, but if it goes up a dollar the price at the pump jumps right away.. that's just F'd up, if you ask me.

   My chinese friend died last week. So Yung.

   Dear "cool people", they didn't name a candy after you, did they? Sincerely, nerds.

   Did anyone figure out where they got the bright white sports car?

   "The View" is pointless. Those ladies need to stop talking about politics and start passing around sandwich recipes.

   if you aren't pissing off at least 10 people a day, you aren't trying...

   Sometimes The Best Things In Life Are Worth Waiting For.. So Wait For Me I Will Be Right Back...

   When I text you a massive paragraph and you reply 40 minutes later with 'K' Fu$k you

   Dear People, Please stop all the period jokes. Sincerely, Everyone's Ovary Acting

   My GF told me she was seeing a psychiatrist. That's ok, I said; I'm seeing a nurse, a fitness instructor and a college student…

   You know you had a good night when you wake up with one less friend and one new useless Ebay purchase.