Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please don't trip when I act weird around you, it just means I am comfortable around you.

   It seems women are not content with just being women these days. First there was Beyonce with “If I was a boy” now there is this Bieber chick with “If I was your boyfriend”

   I'm not sure where I went wrong officer. I was only taught "left and right". Is there a blinker thing on here for wrong turns?

   One in two people suffer from chronic suspicion. Could it be the person you're with RIGHT NOW??

   Tell me about a time you made someone feel like sh!t." - airline employee interview question.

   I tried to end this farce of a life by jumping off a bridge only to discover that I can fly

   Don't be sad because someone gave up on you. Feel sorry for them because they gave up on someone who would never give up on them.

   When the zombie apocalypse happens, gamers will survive. It will be up to the dorks to reproduce... they will finally get laid!

   Did we give a Nobel Prize to the guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon?

   The biggest lie I tell myself: I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it.

   I was the kid that would restart the video game whenever I knew I was going to lose.

   it considered drinking alone if you're on Facebook?

   hey... I just met you, and this is crazy, but please shut the f$ck up.

   Ever notice the car dealerships commercials with hundreds of people running there to buy there cars...lol that never happens theres no one there..dah.!

   Optimists can see the world the way it can become. So, pessimists will never change the world, only optimists can.

   Facebook allows me to see what my life would look like if I had married my girlfriend that I had in my 20s. - Dodged a bullet there.

   im tired of arguing with myself.. I wish I would just stfu and mind my own business..

   its enough gravy when my plate looks like an infinty pool

   unwittingly a dog whisperer! After an argument with my sister I whispered "b*tch" and she said "I heard that"

   If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.