Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love how I can remember the lyrics to just about any song written in the 70s but can't remember where I laid my car keys down last night?

   the more things change, the more they stay the same.

   A woman with her tongue pierced is like Microsoft. When you can’t do it right, throw more hardware at it.

   Covid-19 is the viral equivalent of a hangnail. If you believe this thing is anything more than that, you're an imbeciIe.

   I'm going to name my next dog Nama . So I can say NamaStay !

   "This ain't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo

   Just because I disagree with you does not mean I hate you. We need to relearn that in our society.

   Think I'm going to keep covering my face with a mask after the pandemic as they're really helping my dating life.

   Remember that chubby kid that couldn't play sports and was picked on by the kids who were good at it? Ask him how he feels about the entire world of sports imploding.

   I swear to God if I had one of those Race Car Beds, it would be on jack stands too.

   Being old is like being young. When ur young, you have to wait after you eat to go swimming. When you're old, you have to wait after you take Viagra to have sex. Either way, you have to wait an hour before you can go for a "dip."

   My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!” This day is looking better already!

   2020 is rough but I think infound a way to get threw.im just gonna ask my mom if slapping me into next year is still on the table.

   If you wear a mask when you're driving alone, there's no need for you to put a Biden sticker on your car. We already know.

   Smart folks don't care a damn about the cause because they know the reason for the cause barely exists. Dumb folks are fooled into thinking it does. Comply with LEO's, exit your car if asked, don't walk or run away, don't reach for a gun or knife. Simple.

   If you haven't contributed anything to society, then why would you even think twice about destroying it? Especially when there are no consequences.

   Obey the law! Unless you support who I support, then go ahead and do whatever you want. Tremendous hypocrisy!

   There's a new idea being presented that pedophilia is some sort of sexual orientation. If that's the case, let me be the first to volunteer to beat you straight. #SaveOurChildren

   We are gonna have to retire the phrase “avoid it like the plague” because it turns out people don’t do that.

   Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.