Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Listen, I'm not fat ok, I'm just so sexy that it overflows.

   Women are like horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and they're usually wrong.

   I met a cute girl in the tampon section, so I asked her if I could take her out in 5 to 7 days.

   You know you're good at Threesomes when you get both women pregnant.

   ‎"I'm not like most girls." -most girls

   well, I gues I'm going to have to find a wife. These dishes aren't going to wash themselves...

   There is no relationship I treasure more than my bond with my recliner. We go waaaayyy back!

   so, when two dudes marry, do they both stop giving BJ's??

   Did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson´s by now?

   Facebook stock continues to lose value, in fact it's so bad, finally the farmville farms are going into foreclosure.

   If anybody is interested in a job where you sit and drink beer, 3 hours a day, 2 days a week, for $8000 a week, contact me. We can look together.

   Nothing is worse than biting into a hot pocket than when your two front teeth slice through a gritty frozen meat ball.

   Whenever women make fun of me because I'm poor, it really hurts. Iv'e been poor my whole adult life. I can't help it if I have an earning disability

   I heard you're a player. Nice to meet you, I'm the coach

   The saddest part of the recession is all of the laid-off workers at the C+C Music Factory

   I see Walmart is opening a dental office in select stores. I wonder if they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less

   when the therapist asks about your relationship with your parents, just say "non sexual" that will answer them and keep them quiet for $100 an hour!! Well worth the facial expressions.

   "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife" [groom looks at bride], groom says "Is this the only time you never answer for me in front of everybody?"!

   That embarrassing moment when you shoot a three pointer at a dustbin and miss.

   Give a woman an inch and she'll laugh while telling all of her friends...