Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.

   I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

   My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

   Three more pension checks and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

   Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

   it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year, ..today I bought a 5lb bag.

   A Match(.com), but for socks.

   [3am] Me: My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

   The biggest problem in society today is that there is an entire generation of younger people that have never been punched in the face.

   Guys, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be nice and wipe the seat.

   Apparently my wife was just tying her shoe, and didn't want to play leapfrog

   I've been at a hotel in Tampa for a few days. I like playing tricks on the maid. You know that paper band that comes wrapped around the toilet seat? Before I leave, I put it back on. Yesterday, she left me a bowl o

   Amish girls make the best side chicks. They will never call you.

   The long and thin goes further in, yet short and thick's what does the trick.

   2020 is a jerk! It only wants to make our leader look bad.

   If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

   I'm amazed that my iPhone suddenly stopped working just in time as the new iPhone came out.

   If you truly care about the friends you haven't seen in awhile, don't go see them during a pandemic.

   Pro Tip: Adopt a retired drug dog to help find fun friends at parties.

   Teacher: "Billy give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat, and detail in it." Bily: "When a horse jumps defence, defeat go first then detail.