santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   I'm white, but I'm not 'buy a Christmas gift for the Mailman' white.

   Finally I'm not being harassed by my family or coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was rough back in July.

   I wrap all my Christmas gifts in bubble wrap.....it's like giving two gifts in one!

   I always say "happy holidays" because I'm not sure if people celebrate anxiety or depression.

   Holiday Tip #37: Eat asparagus around the holidays. If you're anything like me, the green combined with the red in the toilet lends itself to a wonderful bathroom holiday ambiance

   I don't get "drunk" during the holidays I get "festive".

   With the holidays, I'd rather check my facebook than face my checkbook...

   I think they put "The Island of Misfit Toys" in the Rudolph Christmas special so poor kids know why they get crappy presents from Santa at Christmas.

   i bought all my Grandma's friends at the nursing home Ouija boards for Christmas so we can keep in touch in the New Year.

   "Christmas" Trees $5.00 per ft...."Holiday" Trees $20 per ft......Merry Christmas!

   Man I was so upset at my parents when they told me that Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove

   Unless your Christmas tree is electrocuting you, keep photos of that stupid sh*t to yourself.

   Happy Hoildays Schmolidays. Merry Christmas Schmistmas. I lean towards the Christmas greeting, but I gotta be honest with myself. I don't care. I'm mainly in it for the food.

   Amazon is now offering Special Christmas Drone Deliveries to Pakistan!

   What I am asking Santa for this year is his list of naughty women over 30. . .

   I wish I could slim down my waistline during the Holidays like my wife slims down my wallet.

   Dear Santa: This year I would like a "Bailout and a Bonus."..."Yes, I know I have been really bad, spent my money frivolously ,even did some illegal things and therefore I think I deserve it."----The Government

   Santa know's where all the bad girls live but only empties his sack once a year. WTF?

   Time to start saying "Happy Holidays" to people so that there is no shortage of things to complain about on Facebook. It is the season of giving, and I'm a giver.

   Tasers, but for people who listen to Christmas music in October. Or talk before noon.