santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   I wish I could slim down my waistline during the Holidays like my wife slims down my wallet.

   Dear Santa: This year I would like a "Bailout and a Bonus."..."Yes, I know I have been really bad, spent my money frivolously ,even did some illegal things and therefore I think I deserve it."----The Government

   Santa know's where all the bad girls live but only empties his sack once a year. WTF?

   Time to start saying "Happy Holidays" to people so that there is no shortage of things to complain about on Facebook. It is the season of giving, and I'm a giver.

   Tasers, but for people who listen to Christmas music in October. Or talk before noon.

   Well its December. Time to spend an hour putting up the Christmas tree and 16 hours fighting with the wife about it.

   My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.

   In the spirit of the season Miley Cyrus has announced her plans for a television special where she will twerk to all of Bing Crosby’s holiday classics. NOW it feels like Christmas!!!

   “Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, all over Mrs. Claus's face and hair..."

   It always warms my heart to see celebrities getting into the Christmas spirit, Paul Walker is currently decorating a tree.

   I was so angry at my parents when I found out Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.

   Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I'm calling Santa!"

   I just hid my teenage son's Christmas gifts behind the vacuum, in the dishwasher and next to the trash can that needs to be taken out.....guaranteed he will never find them!

   Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.

   What do people with spinning flashing inflatable Christmas lawn ornaments think is tacky?

   Dear Santa, Please get Apple to replace Siri with Channing Tatum

   Nothing says thankful and greatful like puching your fellow man in the mouth for $30 off a cheap TV made in China. Now get out there and fight for your kids presents, cause whats a great Christmas without a war story for the kids..

   While discussing the costliness of gifts, my wife's family has decided to draw names out of a hat for Christmas on Thanksgiving Day this year. Too bad I couldn't draw the name of a different family altogether for Christmas.

   The worst part about watching The Food Network while my mother in law tries to follow their recipes during the Holidays is the sad fact that they don't deliver.

   I blame all this snow on people who think its fun to decorate for Christmas before thanksgiving. ... mother nature just went along with them. ...so they cant b*tch..