SEAN Funny Status Messages

   I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies.

   Not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself

   I was getting ready for a costume party, and tried leaving the house in my boxers holding a bottle of wine, my gf asked me what are you doing, I said I am going as Charlie Sheen..

   Am I the only one who watches prescription drug commercials and while they are listing the side effects like, dementia, loss of vision, and thoughts of suicide, suddenly think of an ex?

   There is nothing worse than being stuck in a car with cold feet and having dog sh*t on your shoes :/

   If evolution is true, apes would still be evolving into humans.

   I'm starting a cult, calling it Sheenism, you pretty much just get drunk and do whatever the hell you want, but you get a free What Would Charlie do Bracelet.

   Has decided to file a lawsuit against Trojan for royalties, my dad keeps telling me I'm the reason they invented condoms.

   Outraged that Charlie Sheen turned down my offer to do a spin off show called 2 ½ grams…

   That's the last time I go there for breakfast, nothing ruins an appetite faster than a waitress that has so much facial hair she looks like Chewbacca's sister, eggs anyone???? I also cant help but wonder what this lady's shower drain looks like :/

   Nothing worse than getting paid on Friday, after you spent your entire check on Thursday

   I once asked my Dad if it was ok to love a midget, he said son- It just depends if you're nuts over her.

   There is not a worse feeling in the world than being at the Dentist when he has to use the restroom, you hear the toilet flush, you hear the Lysol spray- You don't hear the hands being washed….

   And then it hit me, reality- just like when you realize the chicken you ate last night wasn't cooked all the way...

   A lot of my friends and relatives are getting married, I don't go all out on gifts anymore after my marriage, I just buy them all the same thing, a label machine- and with it a card that says in two years you will thank me…

   Just lost my job at the funeral, I guess I'm just not a mourning person

   Well guys, if you want to have a baby born on 11/11/11 better go home tonight and put the meat to her

   The key to a happy life is to turn as much alcohol into urine as you can

   I wonder if Hugh Hefners new fiancé bought him a bag of prunes and a wheel chair for Valentine's day?

   Today is national VD awareness day, please wish all of your single friends a warm and happy VD.