Funny Status Messages

   Massacre

   Being in a relationship is solving problems together; Problems you wouldn't have if you were single.

   Some of yall dressing y’all kids for red ribbon week then smoking a blunt after they go to school.

   ahahahahaH !nothing at ... awesome you're think I that you tell to just trouble this of all through go you made I (NOW READ BACKWARDS)

   I know SIX facts about you. 1.) You're on your phone or computer. 2.) You're reading this. 3.) You're still reading this. 5.) You didn't realize that I skipped #4. 7.) You're checking and now smiling. 8.) You didn't realize that I skipped #6.

   ab/2k[zhi6op7/vb Sorry, there was a spider on the keyboard, but it's dead now. Wait, gzfew!1;p9nmkxpxq Okay, now it's dead.

   Dear lady in line in front of me with six screaming kids under the age of ten. You see that box of condoms that magically appeared in your cart? YOU'RE WELCOME!

   That awkward moment when you're absolute SURE you're gonna die after leaning your chair back too far

   Halloween

   I just saw a mosquito with a coat on. They're not giving up!

   If you don't like your coworkers, go to work dressed up like a bear. Tell people "don't poke the bear"

   why did the chicken cross the road? because it went to the chicken

   I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in

   I feel like someone should've warned Travis Kelce about the crazy...

   I have a message for the thief who stole 100 cans of Red Bull from my car: How do you sleep at night?

   Dating right now, is like trusting a public defender.

   Q. Can you name a fisherman's tool and a popular search engine? A. Netanyahu.

   Marriage tip: We live in a day of women's equality! So because of this, never ever get your wife's door in the car for her, or open a door for her. Let her do it herself, because hey, equal rights, right?

   I told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here, you just won't see me.

   Then there was the blind prostitute. You really gotta hand it to her....