Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever you see the words" SUGAR-FREE" or "FAT-FREE" Tthink of the words chemical sh*t storm.

   Just found out I lost my concealed weapon permit, this means I can no longer wear pants in the state of Texas!

   This morning I thought I heard a neighbour blasting that new Skrillex song, but then I realized it was just the garbage truck

   For the love of God, how do I remove Vuze from my computer????

   I hate nerds who coverup their answers. Like come on bro lets work together.

   Cats. Because why should conditional love only come from family?

   My phone just autocorrected Volvo to Vulva without me noticing it and now my boss thinks my Vulva is having the dents banged out of it by 3 guys at the body shop! Thank you auto-correct! This day's going to rock!

   I got some new deodorant, instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom." Now I can barely walk, but when I fart, it smells amazing!

   I'll be another year older soon and I've always been told that you're only as old as you feel. Would you like to feel me and tell me how old I am?

   I really enjoy running geese over in my car. It gives me goose bumps!

   words of wisdom: a woman will ALWAYS have the last words in any/all argument(s) ... anything said after that, is the beginning of a new argument...

   :To all the fat chicks that only take pics from the neck up .... good try ... Very good try.

   :Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well!

   :I've seen fashion girls do things for cocaine that even a dog wouldn't do for some peanut butter.

   :I think I'm going to start calling other white guys "my Cracker" And get angry when black guys say it... No?

   it's funny how gas can drop $10.00 a barrel and the price at the pump stays the same for a week or so, but if it goes up a dollar the price at the pump jumps right away.. that's just F'd up, if you ask me.

   My chinese friend died last week. So Yung.

   Dear "cool people", they didn't name a candy after you, did they? Sincerely, nerds.

   Did anyone figure out where they got the bright white sports car?

   "The View" is pointless. Those ladies need to stop talking about politics and start passing around sandwich recipes.