Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry I upset you. I'll try not to be right next time.

   Checked out Instagram. It's mostly pics of what people had for dinner. I didn't want to feel left out so I took a pic of the sh!t I just took.

   Women like foreign accents my ass… I've been talking like Marvin the Martian all night and haven't gotten one single phone number.

   Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

   Ladies... After a BJ, if your makeup doesn't look like The Joker's, you half-a55ed it.

   What the f needed cutting so urgently that people were running with scissors in the first place?

   seriously thinking about opening a midget strip club with a midget stripper pole and all

   Have you ever seen the Cookie Monsters feet? No. thats diabetes for you.

   Well, I've been watching this show for years and in still waiting for these guys to bust the myth about 'Once you go black, you never go back'

   I'm pretty sure the way my brother just depicted Oprah in Draw Something should be considered nothing short of a hate crime.

   Here's to the women who love me terribly, May they soon improve.

   You stopped serving breakfast at 10:30!?! Seriously? Who gets here by 10:30? What am I, a fn farmer?

   My girl says she doesn't want me j@rking off in the shower anymore. I told her its my d!ck and I'll wash it as fast as I want to.

   Try this: Get in a elevator with a bunch of strangers make sure you'r closest to the door,then turn and say, "I'm sure you'r all wondering why I gathered you here."

   a woman's mid section is called a waist because there's clearly room for 2 more breasts...

   Sometimes, I say weird things during intercourse, like "I love you" and/or "Please look directly into the camera and say you have agreed to this."

   going to have some explaining to do if I ever accept my new GF's friend request...

   "Dr. Oz" sounds like the guy you'd buy shrooms from in community college.

   I bet in hell you have to sleep in a hot bedroom with a pillow that never has a cool side.

   A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.