Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Optimists can see the world the way it can become. So, pessimists will never change the world, only optimists can.

   Facebook allows me to see what my life would look like if I had married my girlfriend that I had in my 20s. - Dodged a bullet there.

   im tired of arguing with myself.. I wish I would just stfu and mind my own business..

   its enough gravy when my plate looks like an infinty pool

   unwittingly a dog whisperer! After an argument with my sister I whispered "b*tch" and she said "I heard that"

   If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

   Hey,, You know Paula Deen has no one to blame butter self.

   My life coach just advised me to,,, "run out the clock"

   Please print out and redeem this post at your local retailer to receive one free: "What the FRIG is this?"

   Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post.

   Note to self: Don't taunt the neighbor's bull dog while wearing flip flops.

   Interesting,,,,, All those years, no one has ever questioned Bob Barker's choice of microphones.

   Anything you say in a small town can and will be used against you.

   The first word I want to teach my kid is "brains." Until he/she learns another word, I'll have the cutest little zombie ever!

   Lost a friend. Apparently when asked what I would do if I was him, you don't respond "Go home and have sex with my hot sexy wife" isn't good when he is already upset with you

   Hey dumb ass. Not every thing I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with, Hey dumb ass.

   They don't want to learn they just want to be right!

   Every woman needs find someone who will ruin her lipstick instead of her mascara.

   My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it.

   I'm not exactly sure what my doctor gave me, but I've decided I like being sick. The walls keep waving at me and saying very complimentary things. It's kinda awesome and I never want to get better.