Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

   My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

   Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

   I say Back to work. Do strippers say Back to Twerk?

   with school starting back tomorrow, don't forget to thank the bus driver #Fortnite

   The gender reveal device that started those fires in California must've said the kid was gonna be a flamer.

   Fact Checkers didn't exist until the truth started to get out.

   I replaced se× with food. Now I can't even get in my own pants.

   Okay. So they can make fake meat out of plants. Try really impressing us and make a watermelon out of a London Broil.

   I applied for a job at Bed Bath & Beyond. They put me in the Beyond department.

   price doesn't always equal quality. A 50 dollar hooker works harder than 250 dollar hooker.

   How did I miss national procrastination day on March 25th? oh wait I know, I haven't been on facebook.

   HAPPY PROCRASTINATION DAY! which was actually March 25th but I'm just getting around to it.

   Modern technology now has a camera with a shutter speed so fast, it can capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.

   Don't forget to wash your phone.

   I see the new iPhone 11 is coming out and if you'd like a sneak preview of it just take a look at your iPhone 10 and pretended it cost $750 less.

   I don't have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

   Betting on the Kentucky Derby is like paying for a hooker. You drop a load of cash on two minutes of excitement.

   Police came to my house to tell me my dog chased someone on a bike. My dog doesn't even have a bike.

   Covid spelled backwards is divoc... As in where divoc is my beer?