Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's really ironic that usually when I have to show my driver's license it's to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.

   Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

   Remember, after the police have been defunded and you have to shoot intruders, call 811 before you dig. It's the law.

   Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play … Me: *jumps out of airplane*

   imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

   I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I dookie anymore

   My prediction for October 2020: The Bermuda triangle starts roaming around the Earth like a giant Roomba.

   Colin Kaepernick must feel more left out than Kunta Kinte at a Country Music festival.

   Why are armed citizens standing guard over their property called vigilantes but rioting anarchists called peaceful protesters?

   We used to hang lace panties on our rear view mirrors, now it's face masks. Men what have we become :P

   My mask broke while I was in a store and I felt like Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl.

   Amber Alert, but for the TV remote

   Sometimes I wonder how many times Wolverine has hurt himself sneezing

   My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

   Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

   ME: welcome to my man cave. PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

   Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different. I thought she meant the gym. I wondered why my cereal tasted funny

   No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

   The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

   I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if I'm swallowing them whole