Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Daytona 500 at the Daytona International Speedway today. International? Really? Which car is the guy from Mumbai driving?

   "Your The Only One For Me" Valentine's Day cards on sale 2 for $5 just seems wrong, totally wrong.

   It's Valentine's Day so I'm spending time with my true love...yes I'm in the garage.

   The Mail In vote, the senate convicted Trump 7360 to 5.

   Happy Valentines ay, ladies. Don't worry, you'll be getting the D soon.

   No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentines day because no man has a chocolate slong wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds.

   Gave my wife leftover candy from Halloween and she says “why is this candy shaped like a ghost? “ I says “cuz you my boo”.

   Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

   Some would call me a "Foodie", but that definition is too refined. I'm more along the lines of a glutton.

   The good thing about dating Black girls is not having to meet their fathers

   No one ever injured their eyesight by looking on the bright side of things.

   Valentine's Day. The one day out of the year the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

   I wrote a book called "House to keep your house clean" Chapter 1: Log out of facebook. The End.

   I may be dumb, but at least I'm not "waiting for March 4th where Trump will be definitely be president again" dumb.

   They said a mask was enough to go into a grocery store. They lied, everyone else had clothes on...

   Has anybody actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

   Playing rugby with helmets is for sissies. Helmets are for bikers

   I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

   I’ve assigned genders to lollipops to make absolutely everyone uncomfortable

   Got kicked out of Star Fleet for using the transporter to catch up to the ice cream man after I’ve missed him going down my street.