Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear girls who take a pic in slutty clothing & glasses & label the caption "nerddd lol" You're not a nerd, you're a w$ore who found glasses

   People who make me do a slight jog because they hold the door open for me when I'm 15 feet away are the first to die when I become God.

   HIGH SCHOOL made everyone either cool , uncool , bisexual , real , fake , pregnant , dropouts , alcoholics , pot heads or somewhere in jail.

   Life is like a p*nis, it's short but it seems so long when it gets hard.

   I wonder what the blood alcohol level is of all these mosquitos that keep biting me?

   Baby, are you Jealous? "No..." "Babe, you Jealous?" "NO!" "Baby, can I get a kiss?" "GO AND GET A KISS FROM THE H$E THAT LIKED YOUR STATUS!"

   I hear someone's going around stealing all the coffee from the poor. I don't know how he can sleep at night,

   2 words..... Fire Flies. you're welcome <3

   i know you guys want to remove timeline from Facebook, so do I but can you please stop sending me request for it!

   I am conducting a survey to see who is the most awesome person on Facebook. To find out who it is read the first two words of this status.

   You're in love and I couldn't be happier for you. But can you let go of each others hands for four seconds so I can get past you on the f*ckin sidewalk?"

   Please stop picturing me naked... I haven't even brushed my teeth yet!

   If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn't start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I'm going to be pissed...........

   If she can string a sentence together while you are f*cking her, you're not doing it hard enough.

   My girlfriend says she's going to leave me for being too impatient. I can't wait.

   Don't need to worry about zombies here in West Virginia....no brains.

   We're getting so obese, they've added new plus sizes.....Huge....Gigantic and Oh my God, it's coming our way.

   So now if you tell a woman you want to eat her is she going to cover her face and scream?

   Okay....who's responsible for my "poke" finger smelling funny?

   When it comes to music...Rock...um...uh...ROCKS.