Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hired a violent monkey to beat up my enemies. I call him Injurious George.

   “Oh wow, way better!” -Jedi Knight trying out a gun

   I think the only way I'll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I'm in prison.

   my mum always told me never to call it quits...but I rebelled so I just gave my son the name "quits"

   Today is more of a ROF than a ROFL day.

   My dream job would be taking a baseball bat to the knees of anyone parked in a handicapped spot who shouldn't be

   Name a dead game show host best known for kissing every woman who appeared on the show. Survey says?

   why drink and drive when you can.....drink and watch tv

   Well you can kiss Richard Dawson goodbye...R.I.P

   excited my "Spaceballs: The Flamethrower" finally arrived today!

   unwritten rule of the day...avoid eye contact, while eating a banana

   Google where is my girlfriend? I can't find her!

   I could wish you the best, but then you already been with me.

   God made us plain and simple, but we have made ourselves complicated and difficult.

   I'm planning a trip to the Virgin Islands. Trust me.. when I get back, you can just refer to them as the Islands.

   they say we need to do more for the mexican people, which I think we do cause the fences arent electric.

   I really feel the techniques on the Dog Whisperer could work on some problematic human beings too.

   Am I the only one who gets creeped out at all the solar lights flashing in cemetaries these days?...To me it looks like thousands of corpses are holding up their cigarette lighters waiting for the last song at a Grateful Dead concert to be played.

   I don't give a sh*t how many of my FB friends liked "Walmart" ur just not gonna convice me to hit that button!

   One loyal Girlfriend is worth more than one hundred hoes..