Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder how many times Paula Deen's 1st husband plotted to kill her in her sleep, only to be foiled by his own laughter at her sleep farts.

   There's no 'i' in 'team' but there's 7 of them in, "Everyone in this office is an idiot and I work better by myself."

   I joined Facebook as an outlet to complain about stuff, now I need someplace to complain about Facebook.

   FACT: Couples who don't have a TV in their bedroom have 50 percent more sex.

   a mute's dream job to be a mime?

   I almost felt strongly about something today but then I saw a duck

   Even if you don't believe in the Mayan calender, somewhere in the back of your mind you're thinking "I wonder if that sh!ts for real".....

   When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch.

   Pit Bull is so cool he probably scores with the ladies at least twice a month...

   If someone from the future's reading this: this is how we used to waste our time in the past.

   Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.

   Who else had one of those pens with a million colors, and tried to push all the buttons at once?

   it's summer, the kids are home. I should just accept that everyday the house is gonna look like Bourbon Street on Monday morning.

   Why is it a "12-pack" and not a "jury of your beers"?

   I comb my hair using a fork and start talking about astrology to myself each time I see a Jehovahs Witness walking towards me in a restaurant.

   Whenever a woman says "I want to show you something", I always reply "Okay!" in as fast as 0.03475 secs.

   "LMAO!!" - Magneto, when he was confronted by Iron Man.

   I'm sorry, I thought you said you wanted multiple organisms. I'll return the petri dishes back to the lab.

   "The "McDutch Oven" - When the fat kid farts in a McDonald's Playland tube and blocks the exit so the other kids can't escape.

   When somebody tells me to relax, I immediately do.-nobody ever