Funny Status Messages

   Can you be addicted to chaos? Date a Ginger and you'll understand

   At my funeral when they're lowering me into the ground I demand they play "Drop it like its hot"!!!

   A slug is just a snail with a housing problem.

   How to fix America: 1. Put all the money into education. 2. More Green Energy. 3. Stop airing Keeping Up with the Kardashians

   "Oh yeah, well my people invented nachos" - Easiest way for a Mexican person to win any argument

   Instead of cleaning my house I'll just make visitors do 3 shots on the front porch before they come in.

   It's cool how my wife can have an entire argument with me without me ever saying a word.

   Everyone pisses in the pool, but piss off the diving board one time and they call the cops.

   It's hangovers like this that make me wish I had a Life Alert.

   The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a vegan - then I'm pretty sure you can just get there through his pu$$y.

   I think I'm going to attatch a Radio Flyer to the back of my Kick-N-Go and ride to the grocery store to buy some grocerys... just so I can see the peoples expressions as I go bye.

   I think I attract crazy.

   Note to drunk people: Unusually high doorsteps are usually windows.

   I tell people I listen to Justin bieber just so they wouldn't talk to me again.

   "I sit on my ass looking at the web all day." - a spider

   I don't like to use my gun unless it's an accident.

   Just watched a minute of Gossip Girl and suddenly I got a call from some Salon to confirm my manicure & pedicure appointment.

   You cry, I cry. You smile, I smile. You laugh, I laugh. You bleed for a week, I visit my mom for a week.

   I'm single because I'm pretty good at recognizing crazy.

   Legal definition of sexual relations in West Virginia... Family reunion.