Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes when your sad, no one cares. Sometimes when you cry, no one sees. Sometimes when you leave no one notices. But fart just one time.

   Men cheat the most, women cheat the best.

   I think I had my zipper down when I slapped my girlfriend at Walmart. I could hear people murmuring,"OMG what a d$ck!"

   I didn't text you just to exercise my fingers, I was expecting a reply back...

   I've never smoked Hookah, but I've been told it tastes exactly like not getting laid.

   I used to have faith in humanity...then I stepped into Wal-Mart.

   A perfect relationship is one which the only thing you fight about is who gets to hold the camera when you're fvcking...

   Am I the only one that doesn't get that "2 iPhones walk in a bar" joke?

   14-year old Becky writes "Stop wars" as her Facebook status. It gets nine "likes", all from world leaders. Peace reigns forever. She did it.

   I'd love to make money at home in my spare time. But counterfeiting is harder than you'd think.

   fired up for another beautiful earth spin into darkness! Who's with me??

   Its a Stripper on Stage with a Hospital Bracelet on! This B1tch discharged herself to come make it Clap Tonite!

   This B1tch got "SNGL MOM" on her License Plates.. Basically she just gave up on Love all together!

   They need a Show called Bait Coochie.. Have a Chick laying there Butt-Naked and see if N1ggas walk up & try to stick it in!

   Females be killing me with that Trey Songz is my Baby Daddy! ...B1TCH that n1gga don't even know you exist, shut cho lonely @ss up!

   Cop cars should play the jaws theme song

   the sun does not rise, it stays still. it's the earth spinning that makes it seem like it moves silly people.

   when I get on facebook I get excited when I see the red numbrs over the globe thing until I open it and find it is for a stupid game request.

   The further you stay from me the longer it takes me to reply to your text.

   The only honest people in the world are small children and drunk people!