Funny Status Messages

   A clean house and finish projects is the sign of someone who hasn't looked at Facebook in a while.

   Betty white to preform at next year at 2022 Superbowl ...

   To all my secret admirers. With Valentine's Day just around the corner if you'd like some candy and flowers it's too expensive for you to reveal yourself now, but maybe next year!

   If I ever get to a point where I strongly believe that bankers are starting wildfires with a laser from space, please shoot me!

   Well I guess if Headboard Harris can listen to rap music before it's recorded then Loco Cortez can be traumatized by a riot before it happens.

   How come ya’ll listen to a groundhog but not the CDC

   My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses

   I like that repubIicons are miserable now that ByeDon is thier president.

   If you're alone on Valentine's day to feel better just remember how for the love of a woman St. Valentine was in imprisoned then beat to death with clubs!

   Just give the Hedge Funds a 600 dollars check. They will be fine.

   Guys, read the fine print before selling your soul to the devil. There's no way to opt out of his email newsletters.

   I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

   Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

   If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

   ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

   you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

   I hate how documentaries make me feel guilty for throwing straws into a turtle's egg nest.

   Hey! Who remembers seeing men on tv ripping phone books in half? Hey! Who remembers phone books? Hey! Who remembers men?

   Presidents day is canceled until we get one.

   Hate how my automatic spell checker turns sentences like "I'd be happy to work for you" into "I'd be happy to twerk for you" which would be great if I was looking for a job as a Chippendale dancer.