Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet Floyd Mayweather paid the judges

   Take my wife....... for example !!!

   The only alcohol problem I have is i'm running low on vodka

   Nothing SCREAMS "I have a small peni$", more than owning/riding a Harley Davidson!.

   Lol at Labron... seemed very confused with what the word "redemption" means... as he avoided the question.

   It must be past the Celtics bedtime.

   looking forward to being embarrassed tomorrow...

   hey black guys. When you cover yourself in tatoos, you just look blacker...

   Currently having an "out-of-money" experience.

   Happy Saturday!!! May the only work you do be piecing together last night's drunk texts.

   I have way more eye contact with my computer screen than I do with any humans.

   oh hey Sobriety! no thanks, it's Saturday! Maybe you'll have better luck on Monday...

   Sometimes when your sad, no one cares. Sometimes when you cry, no one sees. Sometimes when you leave no one notices. But fart just one time.

   Men cheat the most, women cheat the best.

   I think I had my zipper down when I slapped my girlfriend at Walmart. I could hear people murmuring,"OMG what a d$ck!"

   I didn't text you just to exercise my fingers, I was expecting a reply back...

   I've never smoked Hookah, but I've been told it tastes exactly like not getting laid.

   I used to have faith in humanity...then I stepped into Wal-Mart.

   A perfect relationship is one which the only thing you fight about is who gets to hold the camera when you're fvcking...

   Am I the only one that doesn't get that "2 iPhones walk in a bar" joke?