Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just in case you needed another reason to hate Kim Kardashian. She just bought Kayne a $750,000 Lambo for his b-day.

   Million Dollar Idea: Smoke detector with the setting "Just Burnt Food."

   At A yardsale today I bought a Large Minnie Mouse,is that Oxymoronic ? or just gay?

   Choosing a beer from my fridge makes me feel like I'm choosing the right weapon for an epic duel.

   Ghetto Word of the Day: Window “Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don't know window”.

   "Business in the front, party in the back" would be a terrible slogan for a medical clinic.

   "You gotta have Faith!" -enthusiastic review of a brothel on Yelp.

   I need some coffee just to get the energy to make coffee...

   When people ask me "How's life?", I sing them the chorus of Akon's Lonely while crying and slowly walk away.

   The first thing I do before a fight is put my invisible armor on then crawl into a ball and beg for them not to beat m

   Love is when you wake up with your boxers around your ankles and your hands full of peanut butter, right?.

   A dog will never borrow money from you, and that's why he's man's best friend.

   As I've gotten older, every time I look in the mirror I see my dad more and more. I guess its time to move out, its starting to get weird.

   Police officer: "license and registration" Me: "DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS!?" Police officer: No Me: "me neither".

   Having trouble sleeping? How about I tuck you in with this left hook.

   You know what makes me mad? The fact that I know who Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are.

   Poke Hot biatches on Facebook ...cause my gf is cool with that

   If you have a craving for Pringles & Sardines at 3am in the morning..... you just smoked some bad weed, thats all!

   Congress has an approval rating of 13% you should know Naked cannibals on Bath Salts are at 18%.

   Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head or you end up looking like a damn lollipop.