Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My heart goes out to all those Frustrated people who are Stuck in Traffic, on their way to the Gym to ride Stationary Bicycles...

   I'm so drunk I speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.

   Barman says to Paddy, "ur glass is empty, fancy another one?". Paddy looking confused replies, "why the would I want 2 empty glasses?"

   The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

   I just put a cat & a mouse in a cage and I must say, this is nothing like Tom & Jerry.

   Buying everyone at the office an@l beads didn't go over very well .

   Oh, you've heard that one before? But not from me though.

   Guys that say "bros before hoes' don't take gardening as seriously as I do.

   Sometimes I catch that fleeting glimpse of the beautiful woman my daughter will become. They are usually followed by the urge to buy ammo.

   We should have pulled out of Afghanistan before we got it pregnant. Now we are gonna be stuck with support payments.

   I'm not even really looking for a sex partner, just a sex collaborator would be nice.

   This polo shirt has two buttoning options: uptight golf pr!ck or disco chest hair.

   I hate it when certain people exist.

   Ribbery looks like he was involved in a armed robbery!

   I'm gonna make this girl mine..... Right click, Save As....

   I don't " hate you"....I just dislike you so much that bile wells up in my esophagus when I think of your existence

   Pop up ads are the Jehovahs witness of the internet.

   I usually watch porn on mute; so the neighbors can hear me climax.

   Never trust a straight guy who can wrap a present.

   The female bottom is a wonderful sight to behold, and by behold I mean it's the most magnificent of grabable things.