Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't want to be that creepy guy, so instead of gawking at the woman at the gym, I licked the sweat off her treadmill.

   Women. Can't live with them, can't smell their hair without getting an erecti0n.

   The only reason I don't lie to people is because I don't want anyone thinking I like them enough to care about not hurting their feelings.

   Chances are you're doing something right now that would make me hate you. Like breathing or talking or existing anywhere near me.

   it after the first or the second rejection that I should start questioning a woman's sexual orientation?

   I walk around with a city map so people think I'm a tourist and never bother to ask me anything.

   I mistakenly had sex with a model. These mannequins are really starting to look real.

   I found a video of my parents having sex on their computer, I was sickened. But not as sickened as when I got a hard-on.

   You're not my typo.

   You don't need reasons to kill people, you need opportunities.

   Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy duct tape to shut people up, so what's the difference?

   I don't need to go to a church in order to feel ashamed of my ways on Sunday morning.

   The only time I wouldn't mind being buried alive is if were under a pile of money.

   If you cant spell Mississippi, you probably live in Mississippi

   If you can spell Mississippi, you probably live in Mississippi.

   My friend invited me over to play COD and now I'm dressed up in a fish costume. This is not what I was expecting.

   You are the only person who will see you wearing your novelty boxer shorts.

   I have just enough ketchup packets in my desk drawer at work to successfully fake my own death

   I thought I saw Keira Knightley laying by the side of the road but it turned out to be a fallen tree branch.

   People who care what everyone thinks--"I don't care what anyone thinks!"