Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear clear high heels, Thank you for helping me figure out who's a stripper and who's not.

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of damn major financial crisis?

   You have a super power? That's nice. I'm friends with a pharmacist so my superpower is whatever the hell I want it to be

   No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak welfare.

   The only reason I get up in the morning is so I can drink at night.

   Ask your doctor before taking alcohol 7 nights a week if you're pregnant, nursing, or want to have any liver left in 20 years.

   I leaked a sex tape of myself 3 months ago. It has 14 hits! Those hits are from me checking to see how many hits it has :/

   I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

   When someone offers me constructive criticism, it's clear they've mistaken me for someone else.

   Shout out to most of the Thundercats.

   You don't owe anyone an explanation for who you are.

   It's been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.

   I watch Looney Tunes before I go to work, because there's something about old school cartoon violence that relaxes me

   I'm not sure when it happened, but my "to do" list has become my "to do tomorrow" list.

   Too bad phones don't record smells. I just had something to share with all of you!

   That moment when you're having a somewhat serious text with someone and "anything" comes out as "anyTHONG"........damn you, touchscreen.

   i got stoned yesterday, tough crowds in Iran

   It's complicated" is just code for, "I'm willing to cheat."

   Damn you hot girls on FaceBook who post "beach day!" pics but 'only share photos with friends'

   The first 1500 pictures of your kids were cute, now it's a bit much.