Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's hangovers like this that make me wish I had a Life Alert.

   The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a vegan - then I'm pretty sure you can just get there through his pu$$y.

   I think I'm going to attatch a Radio Flyer to the back of my Kick-N-Go and ride to the grocery store to buy some grocerys... just so I can see the peoples expressions as I go bye.

   I think I attract crazy.

   Note to drunk people: Unusually high doorsteps are usually windows.

   I tell people I listen to Justin bieber just so they wouldn't talk to me again.

   "I sit on my ass looking at the web all day." - a spider

   I don't like to use my gun unless it's an accident.

   Just watched a minute of Gossip Girl and suddenly I got a call from some Salon to confirm my manicure & pedicure appointment.

   You cry, I cry. You smile, I smile. You laugh, I laugh. You bleed for a week, I visit my mom for a week.

   I'm single because I'm pretty good at recognizing crazy.

   Legal definition of sexual relations in West Virginia... Family reunion.

   My daughter ran into the wall, fell, got up, and ran into the same wall. Thank god she's pretty.

   If you use the term YOLO, then you are more than likely using these other popular phrases: “Would you like fries with that?” “Welcome to Walmart.” “Yes Officer. You may search my car under the terms of my probation.”

   I can easily tell from the quality of your p0sts when some of you have run out of weed.

   I bet that Magneto guy in X-Men has the best collection of fridge magnets.

   beware of dog...........the cat is fvcking shady as well

   I hate people who wear pajamas to the airport.

   Fellaz; there is a way to check out women without them knowing it. Learn it.

   knows if I had a dollar for every time I heard about an evangelist slapping his daughter, I would have a Creflo Dollar.