Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

   If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

   Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins] Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

   If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

   If you’re approaching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.

   I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.

   My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

   A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

   I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen

   My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

   I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.

   Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

   The only reason she hasn’t killed me yet, is because she knows she’ll cry and miss me.

   If you find a girl that makes you laugh, keep her because women are not funny.

   My doctor says I need to cut back on my gluten. Over my bread body!

   Portland Oregon is reported to have the worst air quality of any city in the world right now due to smoke. The question is, though: Is it smoke from forest fires or smoke from building fires?

   Breonna Taylor's family should have collected the 12 million from her drug pushing, boyfriend's family who fired at the officers first.

   When a cop gets killed in the line of duty, people say "Well, he knew the job was dangerous when he took it." Why can't we use that same logic on criminals who get shot by cops? "Well, he knew if he committed a crime he might get shot....."

   i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately I don’t know anything

   I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise