Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This alpha bits cereal that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than anything out of Joe Biden's mouth

   Big Tech censoring Demlibers? I’m not seeing anything about how great Joe is doing.

   I really hate to make you people cry but Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from Kanye West.

   Life's short don't throw, I mean scroll, it away!

   The Mars rover captured Ted Cruz as its first image on Mars.

   Why don't top sheets have a fitted bottom so that mf'er stays tucked in?

   It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong.

   Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

   Going to spend the weekend cleaning in case Publisher's Clearinghouse shows up at my door with TV cameras and a check.

   Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for supper... we found Himalayan on the road!

   Upside: I had a dream that NASCAR teamed up with NASA and came up with a flying car. Downside: It only made left turns.

   I'll believe in climate change when Texas freezes over!

   Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

   I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

   Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

   When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

   I like a guy who can grow his own winter coat. -Me hitting on Bigfoot

   I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

   The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

   Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.