Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I hear Europe's "Final Countdown" I'm expecting Gob Bluth to appear and do a little magic

   My bathroom scale and I have our ups and downs.

   I don't mean to brag, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.

   I hope some brilliant people find a cure for every major disease, because I refuse to walk 5Ks.

   Me everyday on Facebook chat: Crap, look who's online…LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT…”Hey whats up?”…damn!!

   going to write a book about the connection between rationalizing and procrastinating... Typing it would probably be easier. Might just dictate it to someone, make a few notes, or record it. Yeah, totally gonna do that, eventually!

   Boy: "You're like summer." Girl: "Awww hot?" Boy: "Nope, no class."

   I have always loved hockey but seriously I'm watch hillbilly Joe from the Kings team talk on TV right now and I just have to know...can't they get their teeth fixed with all that money they make?? Someone needs to use that dental plan!

   Did you know that your phone has a feature where you can press a few numbers and actually talk to a person?

   I wish Eazy E was alive to see this LA Kings Stanley Cup Victory

   BELIEVE IN Yourself if you don't no one else will.!

   I love taking the grocery store up on their offer to carry my groceries out to my car for me

   Hitting the treadmill to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that cause the stress.......

   I only drink on days that end.

   Why is it called a sleepover?? Clearly, no one sleeps at a "sleepover". Due to this, I'm now renaming "sleepover" to "wakeover".

   Why is Monday still a thing?

   The week seems to go by at the speed of a snail. Unless it's the weekend. Then the snail is driving a Ferrari.

   I heard that Google Searches stay on your hard drive forever...that means my laptop will never be for sale.

   Don't call me " bae " " baby " " babe " or " love " unless I'm the ONLY ONE you're calling that.

   Some people can ruin how attractive they are by doing this weird thing with their mouth... it's called "talking"