Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the caller I.D. reads 'unavailable', then so am I.

   Don't glare at me lady! You're the one who named your kid Marco then yelled his name in this store!

   You know what's funny? Paintings of Adam & Eve where they both have belly buttons. Think about it, take all the time you need.

   I was just making a sandwich when I thought to myself, 'So, there is a downside to divorce'.

   What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

   Thank God for that warning label, I was about to use this lamp in the shower.

   Women only need 3.5 inches to reach maximum pleasure. Yes...It's called a credit card.

   I often wonder why there is no step ladder next to the "Ball Washer" at my golf course...

   Oh! I saw something that reminded me of you today, but don't worry I flushed it..

   The best place to hide a dead body is page 2 of Google search results.

   Admit it. When someone is mean to you, you spend the next 2 months winning arguments with them in your shower.

   I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run if you will, so I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.

   Super excited that bicycle seat sniffing season is already here!

   It was so hot today working outside I saw squirrels fanning their nuts.

   I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased her down and beat her to death.

   I hate it when tramps sit next to cash machines and ask you for change, cash machines only give out notes. If you want change, go sit next to a pay phone!

   STOP holding secret meetings about my paranoia!

   Jewish women aren't cheap with the bl0wjobs

   A beautiful woman touched my balls! It was with her foot when she kicked me, & she thinks my name is “sexist pig”, but I think she likes me!

   Yeah, Mr Real stupid.