Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you hear about the new show about Nigerian Airlines? Knot's Landing…

   I just heard a woman in a supermarket say this to her 7(ish) year old daughter... "Don't spit! Ladies never spit!" Priceless.

   Go Ahead! Make my sandwich.

   I tie up all my victims in forget me knots.

   I disagree revenge is a dish best served with arsenic.

   I'm pretty sure it was worse luck for the black cat that crossed my path than me, since I ran it over.

   I'm not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724

   Swallow it dammit, it's good for you - Your Pride

   My biggest fear this Sunday is to open my front door and see a kid who I don't know wish me a happy fathers day.

   So confused right now, don't know whether to join a gym or buy Photoshop.

   sad that all it takes is a CAPTCHA to prove you're human these days

   I'm a workaholic; I drink at work.

   I can turn any alcohol into vomit. Top that, Jesus.

   I want to hold hands and waste friday nights with you while we both getting wasted.

   Them gas prices going down like White girls in a college town!

   People always ask why I am always so happy, I tell them I start my morning off the same as anyone, a glass of OJ in the am with breakfast- the only differance is the 5th of Vodka I add to mine

   Well, it turns out my eye patch is actually something called a "Jock Strap" & suddenly I'm not allowed into the Pirate Party.

   Relationships are for two people, but some people just don't know how to count...

   Girl at bar: "I'm the same size I was in college." Me: "Oh, you were a porker back then, too?"

   Pregnancy- The number 1 cause of arranged marriages