Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It'll be awesome if Danica Patrick ever starts first so we can hear “Danica is on the pole!” over and over!

   Don't download the new Helen Keller ringtone. The volume on my phone was all the way up and I still missed 7 calls yesterday.

   I'm not desperate because i'm single, i'm single because i'm not desperate.

   Today is Flag Day...Where can I plant mine?:)

   Turn a man down for sex, he gets over it. Turn a woman down? Oh. My. God.

   If Phil Collins doesn't sing 'Coming in the HAIR tonight' as he jizzes in a girl's face, then why is he even bothering to be Phil Collins?

   Sometimes I envy deaf people because they never have to tell someone to shut up.

   I met the love of my life at Starbucks. She was beautiful, but I knew I had to drink her eventually.

   Pro tip: Before you tell her that you love her, make sure you're not horny, drunk, lonely, desperate, sad, angry, bored or hungry.

   The only way I make women wet is by pushing them into the pool.

   The Allstate mayhem guy drunkenly stumbles into the Progressive headquarters, while screaming, “COME AT ME FLO!!”

   This is my Facbook status, 'like' it or not....

   I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep

   my computer decided to restart itself, and I lost the 37 tabs I had open. my life is in shambles

   Facebook does NOT need a dislike button. It's just gonna start more drama.

   There's a song written for every mood I'm in. It's like Eminem "gets me."

   When I get mad at my parents I dont slam the door or yell "I HATE YOU!" I just go in my room and rapidly flick the light switch. Yeeaah raise the light bill : D

   I hope you were all good little boys and girls and Betsy Ross brought you all presents. Happy Flag Day to us all.

   If the sea was weed and I was I a duck, I'd swim my way down and smoke my way up...buy the seas not weed and I'm not a duck so pass me that bong and STFU

   Can we apply the first rule of Fight Club to everything and maybe you just don't talk?