Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rob Schneider looks like the type of guy that tries to jerk off on his own face.

   Cant we all just get along- Rodney King

   A cop texted me to pull over.

   Rodney King was found dead in a swimming pool. Goes to show you kids.....It's hard to snort coke when your underwater.

   Rodney King has been found dead in pool - Early reports say that the LA police are not suspects in his death.

   How much cocaine do I give a baby to make it stop crying? (Don't judge, its not my baby,

   My mom always told me not to do drug or talk to strangers, so I decided to do strangers and talk to drugs.

   This girl wrote on her status; "I Desperately Need A Boyfriend!" So I commented, “No you need some water coz you sound thirsty!” And now I am deleted.

   I need to do something reproductive today. Happy Father's Day

   Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

   single moms do not get to celebrate fathers day, go grab your 50 Shades book and zip it

   It's fend for yourself night and you know what that means...cold cereal for dinner.

   Right all wrongs. Settle everything with love and understanding.

   I'm actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.

   You sent me a picture of your pen!s, so I sent one back and I'm the a$$hole?! I thought you wanted to exchange pictures...

   Never give up on something you really want. It's difficult to wait, but more difficult to regret.

   Remember If you don`t stand for something, you`ll fall for anything!

   I just read that 44% of high school and college students won't be able to find a summer job due to the economy! Add in the military coming home looking for jobs,and I have no idea what Obama is thinking!

   Anyone who says single moms don't do both roles of a mother & father when the father doesn't spend time or money with his children is THE DEAD BEAT we are referring to!!

   I love doggie style as much as the next guy, but sometimes she's just too pretty to do from behind.