Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is weed illegal and alcohol isn't? Weed is completely harmless man! Smh

   I should be in Top Chef the way I Wake N Bake!

   I had 3 bowls this morning. 1 of them was cereal...

   When I watch MTV cribs I don't feel bad about downloading music illegally.

   my "people you may know" is filled with douchebags who deleted me, oh no does this mean I'm the pretentious ahole?

   Turns out trolling LinkedIn for ladies to s3xt with was not such a good id

   I'm not buying that "Oops, I accidentally deleted you" line again sausage fingers.

   Reasons people claim to be gay: 3% - are actually gay 97% - forgot to log out of facebook

   f all of your pics are taken from from an overhead angle, I have to presume you have a big hairy mole on the bottom of your chin.

   Time heals everything... except that stupid tattoo.

   If you get sexted by someone you don't like...does that mean you got molexted?

   I've ruined so many good songs on bad memories.

   enjoying the sounds of a 2 year old having a meltdown...so soothing

   It's not you. It's me. I don't like you.

   I got gas earlier for $1.19....too bad it was from taco bell.

   Someone's been sleeping in my bed, said Papa Bear. Someone's been sleeping in MY bed, said Mama. Why don't you share a bed?! cried Baby Bear

   I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to Starbucks, check-in there, take a picture with my coffee with Instagram, and add a caption of how good it was, while including two Twitter hashtags #Starbucks #GreatDay

   My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyways.

   Don't you love it when your iPod is about to fall, and your earphones save it's life?

   Relationship status: DTF