Funny Status Messages

   I’ve assigned genders to lollipops to make absolutely everyone uncomfortable

   Got kicked out of Star Fleet for using the transporter to catch up to the ice cream man after I’ve missed him going down my street.

   Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

   My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work He didn’t suffer, it was instant

   my dr just scheduled my colonoscopy on valentine’s day, do I take flowers or…?

   What a shock. Young white guys defending a mediocre SB half time show.

   Old white guys complained about the SB halftime show because we grew up in a time when originality, actually playing an instrument and not having auto tuned vocals counted as talent. Not like that heap of mediocrity we just saw.

   I hate when people say that the ears are their favorite part of a chocolate Easter Bunny. Gross out with all that wax and stuff, and they stink too.

   Ya all complained about Jlo at the Superbowl snl look what you got, Jock strap Face

   I would like to express some thanks to the writer just for rescuing me from this problem. After exploring throughout the the net and obtaining methods which were not productive, I figured my entire life was done. Being alive without the presence of approa

   -I think one of my friends gets the award for “most insightful drunk” for his comment, “It’s such a nice night…if only the sun were out!” Too bad he didn’t get to see much more of that night.

   what a shock, old whiite guys complaining about the SB half time show

   To the tune of the Folgers coffee commercial: The best part of waking up, is no tweets from Donald Trump.

   How do you know if someone doesn't watch the Superbowl? Don't worry they'll announce it on Facebook!

   You notice how I don't stick a million bumper stickers and flags, with a man's name on it, on my car like a f-ing weirdo?

   Just like CVS, I too can be your Plan B on Valentine’s Day for $48

   They should have gone with the original Superbowl halftime show plan with Melania dancing on the pole. She's a better and experienced pole dancer than the Weeknd as a singer.

   The Weeknd should change his name to Monday Morning 'cause that's how bad he s_cks.

   sellin 2nd chances $100 hmu lmk.

   For the first time in my life, I did not welcome The Weekend.