Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I met the love of my life at Starbucks. She was beautiful, but I knew I had to drink her eventually.

   Pro tip: Before you tell her that you love her, make sure you're not horny, drunk, lonely, desperate, sad, angry, bored or hungry.

   The only way I make women wet is by pushing them into the pool.

   The Allstate mayhem guy drunkenly stumbles into the Progressive headquarters, while screaming, “COME AT ME FLO!!”

   This is my Facbook status, 'like' it or not....

   I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep

   my computer decided to restart itself, and I lost the 37 tabs I had open. my life is in shambles

   Facebook does NOT need a dislike button. It's just gonna start more drama.

   There's a song written for every mood I'm in. It's like Eminem "gets me."

   When I get mad at my parents I dont slam the door or yell "I HATE YOU!" I just go in my room and rapidly flick the light switch. Yeeaah raise the light bill : D

   I hope you were all good little boys and girls and Betsy Ross brought you all presents. Happy Flag Day to us all.

   If the sea was weed and I was I a duck, I'd swim my way down and smoke my way up...buy the seas not weed and I'm not a duck so pass me that bong and STFU

   Can we apply the first rule of Fight Club to everything and maybe you just don't talk?

   If you've never gotten out of the shower and dried off with paper towels, you probably do your laundry more often than I do.

   Went to the Bunmy Ranch but it was closed:( The sign said "We're Closed! Beat It!

   Then repost off page 200 or earlier.. Something we didnt just see.

   I'm not into phone sex, the cord always gets stuck in my ass.

   When a guy says he doesn't eat pu$$y,I always say...well, nothing, because he's pretty much dead to me at that point.

   I met a girl the other day who said she likes to take charge in the bedroom. So I electroshocked her.

   Whenever I see a group of girls talking I just barge in and say "he is such an a$$hole" and just like that, I'm part of the group.