Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So facebook is down for a few hours. I bet this will be the most productive business day in years.

   Manscaping now fully complete!! Waiting on the itching to commence!!

   My Cunning plan: 1. Go to the elephant house in the zoo... 2. Shout IS NOBODY GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?.. 3. Elephant high-five

   I like a girl that isn't afraid to jump in front of me during a robbery & say “babe, please. I got this one, you bought dinner.”

   I can smell Plutonium a mile away....Pu.

   The difference between a crooked lawyer and an intrepid chicken is, the chicken clucks defiant.

   Anyone care to discuss Noblium....No??

   Or we could talk about Sodium.......Na.

   I hear people talking about their lactose intolerance all the time. I guess I could live with that but if I ever developed tequila intolerance life would no longer be worth living.

   ...but where I come from, rain is a good thing.

   Let's talk about Potassium.........K?

   Sorry to disturb ya'll, but does anybody know where I can apply for a strip club franchise? (asking for a friend).

   dont try to hold a fart coz it will travel up your spine, to your brain and thats where sh!++y ideas come from

   A homeless man is just a hardcore camper.

   Seeing a loser from your high school w/ a good job is like graffiti on a highway bridge… how the Hell did that get there?

   We had a family tree but someone chopped it down and built a bar with it.

   Some of you are so antiquated in your thinking...that whenever I click on your timeline, I find myself in 2012. BC

   I like my ribs like I like my women. Hot, saucy, and on the bone.

   Camping is a great way to show people that you hate your own home but can't afford a decent hotel.

   It's cute how "America's Got Talent" focuses on singing & dancing instead of our real talents: overeating & complaining.