Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HEALTH TIP: If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, Google it before taking it.

   If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

   I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

   I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

   So what do you get when you spell strap-on backwards?

   Just attended a concert headlined by the band Disturbed. Evidently everyone in the mosh pit has been infected with COVID 19 - they're all Down With The Sickness!!!

   I kept dreaming about mufflers all night long mufflers, mufflers, and more mufflers. I woke up exhausted.

   I've social distancing most of my life - now everybody's doing it. Now I'm just waiting for everybody to experiment with autoerotique asphyxiation.

   It used to be a sign that you were low on money when you took all of your loose change into the store. Today, because of a national coin shortage, I kinda felt like I was flaunting my wealth.

   So the nurse was explaining that they needed a semen, stool, and urine sample. I thanked her for being so quick as I tossed her my underwear.

   Every website for a restaurant should go straight to the menu.

   turning older than 12 years old was the biggest mistake of my life

   Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

   I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

   My doctor asked me if I might be pregnant. I told him I’d be giving birth to a pack of Duracell batteries if I was

   Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

   I mean this in the nicest way possible: I couldn't give 2 sh*ts about Breonna Taylor.

   My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

   Pesto could be magical if only it had an R in it

   I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you