Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Definition of hitting rock bottom: Stopping for a burger & fries so I could eat something on the way to pick up the pizza I just ordered.

   I wish I could enable cookies in my tummy's browser.

   I want to live on a deserted island. Not because it's tropical, but because I hate people.

   Life puts a continual set of roadblocks in our way. Keep knocking that sh*t down and move forward.

   Early to bed, early to rise, while your girlfriend does other guys.

   The desire to roll around in mud while getting tasered and scraped by barbed wire early in the morning eludes me. It sounds like rough sex without the safe word. #NoThanks

   Thank God I'm an Atheist.

   You summoned the Piss Wizard! Urine trouble now

   Rodney King is dead at age 47. Anyone who stole a TV thanks to the ass-kicking this man took should honor him in a moment of silence

   When I go to Subway and a guy makes my sandwhich, it just doesnt taste the same...

   I think we can all learn something from Rodney Kings death.....Never ever ever under any circumstances have a pool party with Robert Wagner!

   A wise man once said nothing.

   The way I just scratched my back on the orner of the wall, leads me to believe I would be a pretty good male stripper!!!

   It's like these people at work don't even know who I think I am.

   R.I.P. Rodney King! Guess at the end, some people got along....... stick to pull you out of the pool with...

   I think I'm more shocked that rodney king had a swimming pool than that he is dead

   R.I.P. Rodney King...I'm not quite sure, but getting drunk and smoking "hippy lettuce" in the pool seems to be about as good of an idea as hiring Robert Wagner to be your swim coach...just sayin!

   Just to set the record straight! My Dad can beat up all your Dad's!!!

   Guess I better get some sleep. I have to get up in 10 minutes.

   I want to be famous and make a cure that saves tens of people!