Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can't threaten me with Work when I came to Work.

   Strangers have the best puppies & candy.

   it illegal to put "avenge my death" in your will

   I met a girl in a nightclub last night when she whispered in my ear, "I want you to make me feel dirty and degraded." So I took her shopping in my local Wal-Mart Supercenter.

   So I'm confused. What's coming out tomorrow, Justin Bieber or his album?

   Marriage is like a casino...you go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.

   Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.

   A friend of mine said onions are the only food that could make you cry. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

   Unbelievable. Rodney King has to die before the world found out he owned a pool.

   Fathers Day in a trailer park must be so damn confusing...

   "Shia LeBeouf" sounds like the name of the venereal disease that will eventually rid the world of Kardashians.

   Everyone's gynecologist uses the term 'battle damage,' right?

   Once I was all over you, now I'm just over you.

   Dear coworker listening to your radio at a low volume instead of using headphones: country music sucks just as bad on 2 as it does on 10.

   Let's stop the hate and spread the love. Or STD's, as my doctor says they are 'technically' named.

   How come girl's sweatpants always say things like Juicy, Bootylicious and Fresh. They never say accurate things like Sad,Menstruating or Cellulite

   dn sı ʎɐʍ ɥɔıɥʍ ʍouʞ ʇou op noʎ ןıʇun ʞcuɟ

   If people are judged by the company they keep, then I'm in trouble. I've been hanging around with myself way too much.

   If you watch my marriage in reverse, my wife pulls a knife out of me and gets back together with her ex boyfriend.

   Two cars crashed into each other in Mexico. 57 Dead.