Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever pushed a door that said pull?

   I propose that we abolish marriage and engage in 3 year contracts instead, with the option for renewal.

   If a thief ever broke into my home, I'd just pretend to be a thief too... We'll laugh & hug and then he'll leave because I was there first.

   Say what you will about Michael Jackson....but at least he wasn't nosey.

   Today's forecast: expect to see everyone's pictures of the triple digit temperatures inside their cars as it bakes in the sun BEFORE the A/C is turned on!

   Nothing says "SEXY" like your woman holding two fishing poles and a tackle box saying "Let's go!".

   A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.

   I had a very confusing time when I tried to buy a Wii in France.

   I'm Not Arguing. I'm Simply Explaining Why I'm Right.-Women

   I had to go on two diets because one wasn't giving me enough food.

   I try to accomplish something before the microwave reaches zero.

   The Miss Universe Pageant is obviously rigged. The winner is always from Earth.

   A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder.

   its so hot, I just saw a bird blow on a worm before it ate it

   Spring has Sprung and Summer is Here , Temperatures are a Rising that means you'll be Perspiring , Keep you Deoderant handy and your Panty Liners near cause Soggy Bottom Undies are something we all FEAR

   Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it that often.

   I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.

   Any good lawyers out there? I just found out that some broad named E.L. James is using me and my life as the inspiration for the main male character in some book she has out, without asking me for permission or giving me any of the proceeds. I'm outraged

   If you have lice, then you have a purpose

   Just when I think I can make ends meet, some jackass cuts the rope.