Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to get to know you better like, Do you have any cake? What kind of cookies do you bake? & Where do you keep these cookies & cake?

   When I'm on a diet I order the shallow-fried chicken.

   A Man is someone who can stand on his own two feet. A Boss is someone who guarantees we all eat.

   Good mourning...... I hope everyone had a Happy Father's Day, oh..everyone except Jerry Sandusky!!

   The last time she got 100% on a test it involved peeing on a stick.

   If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.

   Towels are a scam... think about it - a towel is only a towel, but anything that's like pants or a sheet or whatever is also a towel.

   If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and sh!t.

   Guys.. never raise your hand to a woman... it leaves your groin exposed

   Stupidity: Running over a string 10 times with the vacuum cleaner, picking it up, looking at it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

   Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just 30 seconds?

   They called it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

   I hate Monday's...... and condoms.

   Why do all gang members have arthritis in their fingers?

   I'm not saying your a slut, but you have had more balls in your mouth then the hungry hungry hippos

   Metallica is now changing their name to lica ..cause they no longer play Metal

   It's Friday, Yay the weekends here...<BLINK> Monday? WTF?

   Happy Ugly Father's day tie, day!

   She says I am her one and only love, but she has a whole photo album dedicated to Brad Pitt while my single pic on her page is languishing under wall pictures.

   Liking and commenting on the same status, gives me a false sence of notification.