Funny Status Messages

   You know who was hurt the most in this whole ordeal by name association alone... the residents of Sandusky, Ohio... And the American workers at Callahan Auto... they make the best parts money can buy...

   I bet dogs are saying "Where is our damn Abraham Lincoln? We are tired of these humans thinking they own us."

   I find it hilarious that only one company makes the game monopoly

   I wonder if everyone who pays 2 dollars to buy a bottle of Evian realize that backwards it spells naive

   Do dyslexic devil worshipers sell their soul to Santa?

   I see your creepiness level and raise you a disappearing act.

   GIRL: "You give me butterflies" BOY: "You give me b0ners"

   I won't protect you, but I will lay in bed next to you telling you what I think is making those freaky noises.

   Do these throbbing jugulars, twitching temples & clenched jaws look 'calm' to you? Body language is key.

   Seen it, done it, can't remember most of it.

   Had to stop suddenly, and almost got "Sandusky'd" by the car behind me!

   I am fresh out of milkshakes, but I'm pretty sure that my willingness to put out on the first date will bring all the boys to the yard.

   I thought 4 cups of coffee might make me feel less stabby but it just made me want to stab faster and more accurately

   I once masturbated so hard I went temporarily deaf. Couldn't even hear the guy sitting next to me on the train ask for his hand back.

   When you ladies aren't home, us guys use your d!ldos to mix paint and do manly stuff with it, like put it to our Adams Apple and make prank calls.

   When you try and help an a$$hole out, all you're going to get is sh!t in return.

   I made a big mistake on my first night in prison. Apparently "I'll toss you for the top bunk" means something different on the inside.

   Whenever I really try to focus on staying focused I get less stuff done because I'm too focused on being focused.

   I'm supposed to be sore and bruised from sex, not manual labor.

   Looks like ''Assdusky'' is going to be happy now! Lots of younger men, and for a long long time! Enjoy that Comfy bed!!!