Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet Abraham Lincoln killing vampires isn't half as good as the movie I just made up about Bill Clinton beaver Destroyer.

   a hot girl just offered me some but it seemed a little fishy...

   i love updating my status while dri

   Good, Better, Best...never let it rest until the good get better and the better turn into the best

   Never turn your back on a bear, man you have wronged, or a dominant turkey during mating season

   Why can't happiness be as contagious as the flu. "Sorry, I can't come into work today, I have a bad case of 'the happiness'."

   Warning: Alcohol may make people appear more doable than they actually are.

   Myyy milkshake brings all the boys to the yard & they're like ew what is this semen & I'm like no refunds

   ATTENTION Guys who don't have sex with their wife when she's pregnant in fear of hurting the baby: Don't flatter yourselves.

   Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.

   Besides falling in love. What other hobbies do you have?

   Don't judge a woman by her granny panties but by what's inside.

   Have you ever pushed a door that said pull?

   I propose that we abolish marriage and engage in 3 year contracts instead, with the option for renewal.

   If a thief ever broke into my home, I'd just pretend to be a thief too... We'll laugh & hug and then he'll leave because I was there first.

   Say what you will about Michael Jackson....but at least he wasn't nosey.

   Today's forecast: expect to see everyone's pictures of the triple digit temperatures inside their cars as it bakes in the sun BEFORE the A/C is turned on!

   Nothing says "SEXY" like your woman holding two fishing poles and a tackle box saying "Let's go!".

   A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.

   I had a very confusing time when I tried to buy a Wii in France.