Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

   it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

   It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

   Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

   sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

   My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

   I just threatened to stick my toes in my husband’s beer in case you thought I’m normal in person.

   Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

   The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

   Over the past 15-years, Donald Trump has paid more for sex than he did in taxes.

   Biden's favorite TV show? Teletubbies. He says it reminds him of his favorite crutch on TV...Teleprompters.

   I heard Trump is backing out of the debate Tuesday night. It was just too taxing for him.

   Id rather have Covid-19 than Trump-2020

   I'm so old when I was a kid my stomach used to growl when I was hungry, now it sought of just grumbles and complains.

   I would like to tell you a joke about covid but 99% of you won’t get it......

   When I was a kid, people often said that I was the "little engine that could." Turns out that I'm the "big old caboose that couldn't."

   Whoever named them "sugar cookies" could've tried a little harder.

   i don't usually brag about my friday night plans but i'm at a party with seven dogs so

   I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

   Why haven't Fruity/cocoa pebbles teamed up with a milk company to make the flavor of milk that has the taste after you eat the cereal