Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jo I hate it when tramps sit next to cash machines and ask you for change, cash machines only give out notes. If you want change, go sit next to a pay phone!

   Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

   How to win an argument with a woman: 1. Too late, you’re already wrong.

   I’m tired of people complaining about $7.00 dollars beers, $10.00 dollars parking, and $20.00 dollars cover charge. Don’t like the prices? Stop coming to my house.

   Hey, NASA, do you mind looking for my son’s shoe while you’re on Mars? He’s looked “everywhere.”

   The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it!

   PSA: Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they still fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

   Hey, Coca-Cola! I don't know how to be "less white", but I do know how to drink less Coke.

   Gas prices are soaring and inflation around the corner, but thank God their are no offensive tweets.

   If Ireland contributed to the Perseverance Mission, would that make it an Irish Rover?

   I'd like to give a big shoot-out to the Earps and the Clantons

   Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

   Ned Flanders at the gym just killing it with diddly squats

   I get so confused when I see a seagull not near the sea like buddy where do you think you’re going

   Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet* Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

   My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that I could uncover with a group of misfits

   I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

   Lifeguards are sad to report the drowning of a hippie last night. ... He was too far out, man.

   Marriage tip #8: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   I'm afraid to laugh. Because those who came in laughing made me cry the most!