lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

   I'm calling in blind this morning. I can't see myself going into work today.

   If sex is a pain in the arse,then you're doing it wrong.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

   Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

   I saw an unemployed,homeless dwarf. He had a sign that said "No job. Too small."

   Chocolate is the answer to EVERYTHING!

   An Indian man dies and goes to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates,he meets an angel. Angel asks "Who are you here to see?". "Jesus!" the man replies. The angel then shouts "Jesus! Your taxi's here!".

   Hangovers: the wrath of grapes.

   filthy,stinking rich. Well,two out of three ain't bad.

   Sex,Drugs & Sausage Rolls.

   My mate is having a birthday soon. He doesn't drink,smoke or cheat on his girlfriend. I dont know how the hell we're going to celebrate it!

   Women who think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach are aiming a bit too high.

   I went to the docs the other day. He told me to stop eating so many eggs. I said " Why? Is my cholestorol that high?" . He said "No but your farts are absolutely f *cking rank!!"

   If you want to buy some marijuana,press the hash key now.

   3 blondes comes across some tracks. 1st blonde "Its deer tracks!" 2nd blonde "No! Dog tracks!" 3rd blonde "No! Its bear tracks!" They were still arguing when they were hit by a train.

   money may not bring her happiness. But she'd rather cry in a Mercedes than in a bus.

   If there were no such things as bears,what kind of hugs would we give?

   Daaaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home..

   I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. All he does is eat, drink and be Mary.