SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Ah, Portland. The Land of Port. I'm originally from the Isle of Long.

   I truly believe that every one of you have that one tweet in you that could change the world or remind me to change the bong water.

   The guy next door won't stop revving his bike so I'm going to spray paint his Harley pink and attach a white basket to it while he's asleep.

   For my birthday I got a pimp chalice (coffee mug), a jet pack (soda maker) and a Samurai sword (pen). Never give up on your dreams, people.

   Don't let the kickass part scare you, I'm as harmless as a honey badgar.

   Ladies, please stop wearing sweatpants w/a corp logo on the butt. That area's only supposed to advertise YOU.

   If you don't already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.

   Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

   Remember the days when the best way to sharpen your robbing and murdering skills was to get yourself involved in Texas cheerleading?

   Divas are fun and all, but do your best to keep them away from open flame. Their faces are highly susceptible to melting.

   Bible forbids men w/men but nothing about women w/women, proving the Old Testament has the same policy as Vivid Video.

   Truck commercials are getting ridiculous. Just waiting for one with an F850 pulling planet earth. Built Ford Tough.

   If you put your finger in someone's butt you're legally married to that person in at least 46 states.

   They probably just called her an "explorer" because "Dora the Drug Mule" didn't rhyme.

   I think we should follow new people.

   There comes a time in every man's life when he starts using this phrase.

   Don't forget to put the word "organic" in your tweets, so you can charge more for them.

   Remember that movie from the 80's where Robert Downey Jr. blew a guy and then died from a coke overdose? Was that "Gremlins"?

   Tip! If the party invitation mentions 'festivities', 'ball pit' and 'face painting' - it's most definitely B.Y.O.B. You are welcome!

   Damn!! My glasses fell in the toilet, now I can't see for sh!t!