Sean Funny Status Messages

   When I grew up I cussed so much that for a while I thought that soap was actually one of the four food groups

   They call mens shaving cream "Beard buster" so why dont they call womens shaving cream "Bush buster"?

   Its taken me 20 some odd years to figure out who was the favorite child, until I went to my moms basement last week and found a box labled Sean's bath toys- It was a radio and toaster..

   Just found out my "Sleep Number" is good Old Number 7 good ole Jack Daniels

   They deployed on Osama the minute he "checked in" to the mansion.... Well played Facebook.......

   Good men of this country fought and died to defend my right not to care about British royalty

   I started to worry about my future, so I bought a ton of stock in my company, now I worry about the work I am putting out :/

   My neighbor is having such a hard time, he was divorced 2 months ago and then broke his wrist this week- I told him look at the bright side, now you can change your relationship from single to its complicated

   Did anybody ever end up getting Jay-Z a what what? I think he also asked for a woop woop

   My divorce judge told me I needed to supply my xwife with a vehicle, I just UPSD'd her a broom

   Ever have one of those days when your keys kicked your ass at a game of hide and seek?

   Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels

   A cop with a drug sniffing dog said to me "This dog tells me you're on drugs." I said "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs

   was at a house recently of some people I didn't like when life afforded me the opportunity to empty their bottle of sexual lubrication and replace it with hand sanitizer, On the bright side they should be 99.9% Germ free

   I have decided that if I ever win the lottery I am going to hire a Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister to follow me around to the bars.

   the one thing that annoys me about Disney films is that inanimate objects don't break out into song and dance nowhere near as much as they do in the films and when they do no one else is around to see. 

   For her birthday she told me to get her something she could use, She must not of liked the Summers Eve, I havent heard from her in days

   After a long first game the Cubs seem to have been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention, Congrats to Ryan Dumpster, 6 runs in 6 innings not a bad start..

   She was like the apple God warned Adam and Eve about

   I found out I have CDO. It's like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order...like they should be