Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Muggers accept all major credit cards.

   So, this freed Chilean miner walks into a bar, hot chick buys him a drink & says "Your place or mine?"

   I don't call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.

   The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

   Today needs an eject button.

   Life is funny. Well, yours is. To me.

   Puking is my body's way of saying, "Now there's room for more booze!"

   The morning after the night before is always the next day.

   Ha ha there's nobody here. I'm going to steal the internet and sell it on ebay! Oh wait....

   My girlfriend talks faster than the speed of sound. This explains why I never hear her.

   Headed to Lowe's. After what I just did in the bathroom, it's best we just build another one.

   "...and if elected, I promise you will never hear from me again..."

   Squirrelly, squirrelly on the street--you shoulda been quicker on your feet.

   If I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.

   I start drinking earlier and earlier everyday... I had to set my alarm this morning.

   I don't eat nuts at the bar. But I like to run my fingers through them and lick the salt off.

   bankruptcy spelled with one "oh sh*t" or two?

   I hate to brag, but it's the most effortless way to enlighten people about my magnificence.

   Turns out cloud 10 is actually the accumulated farts of everyone on cloud 9.

   I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.