Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For relationship rules to work, always keep changing them and don't tell the other person what they are.

   Nothing makes a man happier than his son being on the cover of a Wheaties Box! His daughter on the cover of Business Week! His girlfriend in Playboy! And his wife on the back of a carton of Milk!!!

   Every mile you jog adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 85 you can spend an extra 5 months in a nursing home at $8,000 per month.

   I used to be jealous of skinny girls until I realized they've probably never tasted bacon.

   SAD NEWS in the music world, Solja Boy is working on a new album.

   When you are a kid, ''I'm going to tell your mom!'' is the scariest sentence ever!!!

   Every rule has an exception, especially this one.

   I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

   I do what I want, when I want and where I want!! if my wife says it's ok.

   The brochure for my new camera says that the shutter speed is so fast that you can photograph a hummingbirds wings in flight, or a woman with her mouth shut

   FACT: There is nothing that says “douchebag” better than a Facebook profile picture of your car.

   I come from a long line of people waiting to get in.

   There's a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the "close this ad" button.

   I do what I want, when I want, where I want! If my mum says it's ok.

   Never judge a man 'till you've driven a mile with his wife.

   If someome "rubs you the wrong way" its your fault for letting them rub you." And not telling them how to rub.

   my family deals with the heat like it does other family members; by resenting it until it goes away

   You know what's easier than applying sunscreen? Not going outside.

   As I've grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible! But pissing everyone off...that's a piece of cake!!!

   Here I am!.......Now what are your other two wishes?!!!