Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Adele, The Weeknd, Drake, and Frank Ocean made an album together. Everyone would be in their deepest feelings.

   Oh you got “Swag”? Don't forget to put that on your Burger King Application.

   Sometimes, when two people love each other very much, they get married and ruin everything.

   Don't grow up. It's a trap!

   Whenever I'm walking and a white van drives pass me, I get a little depressed inside because it makes me feel like I'm not kidnap worthy.

   If I ever go missing,,, I hope they put my photo on bottles of OCD medication, cuz you know those people won't stop looking.

   I advise you, don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.

   Sometimes I put my hands on the floor, tuck my head into my chest and lean forward, cause that's how I roll.

   Tears are the hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine “want” power.

   Want to hear a joke about a pizza?? Nevermind it is too cheesy!

   Found out at lunch today that apparently, it's rude if you honk your order in Morse code to the drive-thru attendant at McDonald's.......

   I bet Abraham Lincoln killing vampires isn't half as good as the movie I just made up about Bill Clinton beaver Destroyer.

   a hot girl just offered me some but it seemed a little fishy...

   i love updating my status while dri

   Good, Better, Best...never let it rest until the good get better and the better turn into the best

   Never turn your back on a bear, man you have wronged, or a dominant turkey during mating season

   Why can't happiness be as contagious as the flu. "Sorry, I can't come into work today, I have a bad case of 'the happiness'."

   Warning: Alcohol may make people appear more doable than they actually are.

   Myyy milkshake brings all the boys to the yard & they're like ew what is this semen & I'm like no refunds

   ATTENTION Guys who don't have sex with their wife when she's pregnant in fear of hurting the baby: Don't flatter yourselves.