Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, by the end you will wish you had a club and a spade.

   If you were getting sexts from someone you're not interested in, does that mean you got molexted? Or is it textual harassment?

   Relationships must be chosen wisely. It's better to be alone than to be in bad company. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason.'Fall in love when you're ready,not when you're

   Ge out of Hell Free card! Jesus Christ is your only Salvation!

   Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn, Please lknvfdmv.xvn. Sincerely, Stevie Wonder.

   I accidentally ran over someone's cat today and was too nervous to track down the owner and tell them what I did, so I left a note on it that said "Curiosity was here."

   Ladies stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.

   I think it's cute how my bankruptcy attorney thinks I'm going to pay him!

   The most important thing I look for from a potential employer is a bathroom with a good network connection.

   A handsome firefighter just friended me on Facebook. I wish I was gay :(

   Judging by this frying pan that just flew by my head I did something wrong, I can't wait to find out what it is.

   I'm sweating like Jerry Sandusky at a Boy Scout camp.

   Can Happiness buy money?

   Spank someone today. You'll both feel better.

   "Don't touch me there!" Something I like to yell as I exit the doctors office into the waiting room.

   When I was a boy my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a $1 and i'd come back with 2 loafs of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a block of cheese, a box of tea, 6 eggs and 5 potatoes. You can't do that now , too many feckin security cameras.

   3 kinds of women:- Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have boyfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened.

   I am like an unborn child, sometimes all I need is a push

   Out of all the lies I've ever told, "Just kidding" is my favourite.

   Like if you remember the "yellow isle" at the local grocery store.