Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Exercise gives you energy, but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a Pyramid Scheme to me.

   I'm on hold with my bank and the recording says "Did you know you can access our website 24 hours a day?" No, I had no idea. I thought your website went "off the air" at midnight like a 70's TV station...

   I'm at that age where if I hear a strange noise downstairs I'm too lazy to go investigate it and just think "Well I had a good run".

   Anne, I had to quit my profession as a gynecologist. I got tunnel vision.

   It is said that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." What about the other eye?

   Children are the greatest gift of all, but punch some holes in the box so they can breathe.

   Two Section 8's in a relationship don't make 16.

   I think we all owe 2019 an apology. It wasn't so bad after all

   I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

   Spring is my favorite time of year. Everything looks like a Summer's Eve commercial.

   Twenty shootings in Chicago over the weekend. Sure signs that nothing has changed in Chicago despite the pandemic.

   When I said I'd do anything for you I meant fight bad guys or slay dragons...not vacuum or do the dishes.

   I got thrown out of the park for arranging all the squirrels by height. Apparently they didn’t like me crittersizing them.

   *me filing for unemployment* Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours Me: so you’re only open 4 hours Unemployment Office: yes any other questions Me: yes how do I work at the unemployme

   Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

   I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

   When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

   I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

   True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

   wife: did the stimulus hit our bank account yet me: *surrounded by 237 Crunchwrap supreme wrappers* n-no