Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Things Done today: ☑ Got groceries, ☑ Ate, ☑ Relaxed, ☑ [Censored].

   Nascar Update: Gordon Biffles Earnhart's Johnson

   Some Warning Labels are a little retarded, like on my Deodorant it says, "Avoid Contact with Eyes"....TOO LATE, I've already seen it!!!

   If a woman in a bikini is close by, a guy will make the simplest task look like a major construction project.

   A good man will send flowers to your office. The perfect man will come to your office, close the blinds and pluck your flower.

   A fun game to play is "hide-and-don't-answer-texts."

   Ive decided I'm going to be a better person starting now until the next time I check facebook.

   "Hey Let's agree to disagree, and then accomplish nothing as we focus on our reelections." -Congress

   You look so fckn gross when you're happy.

   Ass is best when it's kicked.

   Def Need a " facebook filter" to prevent all the weddings and babies from showing up on my feed.

   Even grudges have feelings. They like it when you hold them.

   Saying that an iPhone is the best phone because of the battery life is like saying my bicycle is the best car when it comes to fuel economy.

   Does anyone else remember the day when you found out your parents had other names besides mom and dad? How crazy was that?!

   I'm sorry, I couldn't understand a single word that was coming out of your boobs.

   Just heard Sandusky's on suicide watch. I'm checking ticket prices.

   If you've ever described something as, "Better than sex", then you my friend, are probably having the wrong kind of sex..

   Living with someone means sex on demand. Is the myth.

   So apparently my girlfriend left me for being a know-it-all. I knew that was going happen.

   My internet was running slow today so I knocked on my neighbors' door and asked if they could place their router a bit closer to the window.